Some folks are beyond uncomfortable talking about sex. Comedy heavyweight and self-proclaimed "curious perv" Nikki Glaser is not one of those people. If the topic is liable to make your uptight coworker blush to the point of questionable allergic reaction, Glaser has probably covered it. Everything from butt stuff to blumpkins, public sex to getting pooped on is fair game for a Nikki set.
Lucky for those of us who also identify as curious pervs, we'll get to see Glaser talk about all these things far more frequently. On her new show Not Safe With Nikki Glaser on Comedy Central, the Inside Amy Schumer writer will ask all the sex questions that you're too shy to ask for fear of making people think you're a bit too freaky for their tastes. Does your best friend actually want to bang you? Why are so many people f*cking on Super Bowl Sunday? What's the proper etiquette when it comes to choking? Since she herself is an open book, what are Nikki Glaser’s hard limits?
We were lucky enough to ask some questions about the messy, hysterical, weird, and fun matters of love and boning. Enjoy all of the delightful debauchery below, and make sure to catch Not Safe With Nikki Glaser, Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central or anytime on the CC app.
Getting To Know You
1. What’s an irresistible turn-on?
2. What’s an all-purpose turn-off?
3. What’s the best date you’ve ever been on?
"Dinner with my boyfriend in a dark restaurant, back to his place for back to back episodes of The Profit on CNBC, sex, and then falling asleep on our phones."
4. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
"I met a date once at my friend's show. Except we were the only two people at the show. It was at 6 p.m. and it was still light out. I was newly sober and my friend was just playing guitar and staring at us sipping club sodas. I am getting anxiety just typing about it."
5. What was the weirdest thing someone has said to you during sex?
"'Um, Nikki. There's been an incident.'"
6. What was the grossest thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?
"Whatever you are thinking, it's that."
7. Strangest sex dream you’ve ever had?
"Incest. You know you've had that dream, too."
8. What was the first thing you masturbated to?
"I actually don't masturbate, but I've tried plenty of times. I think the first time I gave it a real go was when I was DMing with some dude from American Idol like eight years ago."
9. Have you ever had sex in public? Most interesting location?
"Yes. I once received 'street head' on my front stoop of my apartment in New York. It was empowering."
10. If you were having the best sex of your life, would you squeal like a dolphin on command if your partner asked you to? (actual okcupid sex question)
"I actually do make a dolphin-like sound while orgasming. It is very high-pitched. I once heard it in public when a girl was getting proposed to in a restaurant. She was squealing and I was like 'THAT'S MY SOUND, BITCH.'"
Fill In The Blanks
11. The cartoon character that I would most want to have sex with is...
12. Urban Dictionary defines the “Canadian Petting Zoo” as a sex act in which...
"...no one gets laid. I have never felt sexual in Canada."
13. The one thing I would never do in bed is...
14. Fill in the blanks: My [...] has an extremely creative nickname, and I call it [...].
"Boyfriend's penis... 'my best friend.'"
Would You Rather...
15. ...give or receive?
16. ...never have sex again, or have bad sex for the rest of your life?
"Never have sex again."
17. ...watch or be watched?
18. ...date someone who wore a fedora that he could never remove, or a goatee that he could never shave?
19. ...wash your hair with sperm conditioner or wash your face with foreskin cream?
20. ...sleep with your own clone or your best friend?
21. ...have sex with a furry or an adult baby?
22. ...overhear your parents have sex, or have your parents walk in on you having sex?
"Parents walk in."
23. ...have a guy go down on you over your tights or not go down on you at all?
"Over my tights sounds amazing!!"
24. ...date someone with pierced nipples or a pierced penis?
Now, go forth, and find someone to give you some empowering street head! Or, just DIY it. (Responsibly, that is).