19 Lessons Kendall & Kylie's iPhone Game Taught Me That Are Krazy Invaluable
“It was so great meeting you,” Kendall Jenner tells me via video message. “See you soon!” I close the video, check on my guinea pig, and catch the next bus to Malibu. I am Kendall and Kylie Jenner’s newest social media friend, I think. Can it get any better than this? Oh, it can: Later on, Kris Jenner’s fifth-eldest child invites me to a party at her condo. I’ve made it, I tell myself as I hop aboard a bus careening toward the 90210 area code. And it is all thanks to the Kendall & Kylie mobile game.
I did not know I had the room in my heart (or on my ancient phone) for another Kardashian-Jenner mobile game. Well, Kendall and Kylie Jenner’s newest venture sure did prove me wrong. Guess who has two sore thumbs and just played Glu Mobile’s Kendall & Kylie for a few hours and can’t wait to get back to playing some more? This gal.
In this Kendall and Kylie-ified version of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, your adventure begins in sunny Santa Monica, California. Your avatar finds an affordable studio apartment, secures a job at a hair salon, and becomes pals with their co-worker and a guy who can’t stop bragging about his own organizational skills. And with that, the gaming begins: your avatar collects lightning bolts, kurrency, K diamonds, and experience coins; makes friends and fends off enemies; films and uploads vlogs; and embarks on a quest to become Internet famous.
As I snapped selfies, replied to text messages, and searched every plant/bird/inanimate object for energy bolts, something hit me: I'm learning a lot about Internet fame, life, friendship, pet ownership, and myself. Here are the invaluable lessons I picked up throughout the first couple of hours I played Kendall & Kylie.
1. When In Doubt, Go With A Portmanteau
While suggested name "Lois" is lovely, I was dead set on naming my avatar after Kendall and Kylie. I wasn't about to choose just one of the names, so what did I do?
I smashed the names together and voilà! Meet Kendlie.
2. When In Doubt, Go With A Portmanteau (Part Two)
And as for Kendlie's social media handle?
3. Beware Prank Cardboard Boxes
Within moments of meeting my avatar, my avatar’s landlady requested that my avatar put two random cardboard boxes away. My avatar happily shelled out the energy bolts needed to move the boxes.
But get this: the boxes never actually moved.
I think there’s a metaphor in there somewhere, but I don’t have enough energy bolts to piece it together.
4. If Your Landlady Says You Can Have Pets In Your Apartment, Take Her Up On It
Say no more, Debbie.
5. Kendall & Kylie Know Me All Too Well
To thank my avatar for inviting them to the salon, Kendall and Kylie surprised my avatar with a pair of Chuck Taylor-esque high tops.
Excuse me, but how did Kendall and Kylie know I’ve been wanting a new pair of Chuck Ts IRL? Can they see my online shopping history?
6. A T-Shirt & A Pair Of Sweatpants Is A Totally Chill First Date Outfit
No shame in the sweatpant game.
7. Too Much Black Eyeshadow Can Make Your Eyelid Look Like A Black Hole
Why stop at a subtle smoky eye when you can create the illusion of an eyeless socket?
8. The Markup On Individual Mint Candies Is Outrageous
Forget nabbing a free mint on the way out of a restaurant; Peppermint candies are a pricey commodity.
9. Never Pass Up The Chance To Use A Kylie Jenner Lipkit
…Even if it’s just in a mobile game.
10. Never Think Twice About Shoehorning Celebs' Names Into A Conversation With A Stranger
Sure, it might catch the stranger off guard, but you're making memories that'll last a lifetime.
A. Life. Time.
11. If You Ever Run Into Kendall & Kylie In Real Life, Be Sure To Compliment Their Apps
Very klassy move.
12. Willow Pape Jokes Will Never Get Old
I hope the real Willow Pape makes a Kendall & Kylie kameo.
13. Purple Hair + Blue Eyebrows Is An Unstoppable Look
My avatar is my new style icon.
14. You Can Totally Get Thousands Of Followers Just By Posting Cool Stuff
*Jots down mental note.*
15. The Duckface Is A Timeless Choice
Alas, I chickened out and chose "(Smile.)" I'll get 'em next time.
16. If You're Going To Post A Selfie With Kendall Jenner, Caption Wisely
17. If You're Going To Post A Selfie With Kendall Jenner, Caption Wisely (Part Two)
18. Never Say "Never"
Because you never (oops) know when your friend is gonna get follows from two Very Important Kelebrities.
19. Stay Chill
Kendall & Kylie aren't about to deal with any non-chill nonsense.
You better believe I spent that lightning bolt to "chill out."
Want to experience the chill out magic for yourself? You can do definitely do that. You can download Kendall & Kylie onto your mobile device now.
Images: Kendall & Kylie/Glu Games Inc. (28)