Sorry/not sorry but I’m going to make you feel uncomfortable for a moment. I want you to take a minute and think about what weird object you’ve used to masturbate. Maybe it was an insertable, like a particularly phallic vegetable. Have I brought back that awkward memory for you? A certain item in your far or recent past that makes you blush just to think about it?
Good! Because I’m here to tell you that you’re not that weird. In fact, I’m going to venture a guess that pretty much everyone has some object that they’ve used to masturbate that, in retrospect, made them feel a little funny. And I think that half the reason we feel shame or embarrassment about this kind of thing is because we don’t ever talk about it, right? So while you might be turning bright red about that one particular cucumber, the guy in the cubicle next to yours is totally mortified by a certain piece of fruit…
Point being, we’re all sexual creatures and we’ve all looked at something that technically wasn’t a sex toy and thought “Hmm…” If you want proof that you're alone, check out these 46 “most embarrassing” things that reddit users on the subreddit r/sex have used to masturbate.
1. A Yodeling Pickle
Probably not the kind of yelling most people expect from sex, solo or otherwise. Also, a yodeling pickle? Your friend has a silly sense of humor.
2. And A Vlasic
A pickle as a receptive toy rather than an insertive toy. Who would have guess that one? People are nothing if not creative.
3. A Hairbrush
As long as you clean it regularly, to each their own! Might be time to ditch that brush, though. Bacteria build up is real.
4. A Harry Potter Broomstick
Magic wand, indeed! There are plenty of ways to play, aren't there?
5. A Fancy Fifi
For those of you not in the know, a "fifi" is an artificial vagina, made from what you find around the house. And as for that Sonic toothbrush, the writer makes a good point! But then again, vibrators aren't cheap either.
6. Basically Everything
Note: Please do not masturbate with Silly Putty. It is very porous and will definitely gather and transfer bacteria. Note two: How do you masturbate with a rollerblade? So many questions.
7. And A Little More Everything
Points for thoroughly washing that bottle! Also, it's definitely way past time to improve sex education. Because there's no good reason why someone should get to this point of sexual maturity and not know about the clitoris.
8. A Stoner's Dildo
Reduce, reuse, recycle. Really, this is just a very environmentally friendly teenage stoner. (Except maybe not, considering the bathtub faucet was the other preferred masturbation method...)
9. A Collection Of Stones
Pre-GOOP jade eggs! Really, this person was just way ahead of the curve. Someone clearly needs to let Gwyneth know.
10. A Family Heirloom
People will do lots of things in pursuit of pleasure. Next time, you can find great anal beads online.
11. Hand Sanitizer
I think that we all should absolutely, 100%, learn from this person's mistake. Do not. Masturbate. With. Hand Sanitizer.
12. A Squiggle Wiggle Writer
I had to google what a Squiggle Wiggle Writer was, so you don't have to. It's like a vibrating pen thing. Do with that what you will.
13. Barbie Legs
Self-exploration is important! And why can't a Barbie's legs be just as much a unit of measurement as anything else? But yeah, glad you moved on from that one over time.
14. A Vibrating, Furry Hamster
Really, anything that vibrates works when you're first exploring. But as people have their own incomes and can explore with actual sex toys, I recommend staying away from anything with fur...
15. A Clarinet Stand
So... Many... Band camp jokes... Must... Be... Professional...
16. An Empty Toilet Paper Roll
Another fifi! This one, however, forgot about the all important "lube" element. Don't do this one at home, folks.
17. A Couch
Couches are to people with penises what bath tub faucets are to people with vaginas. Which is to say: You're not the only one, friend. You're not the only one.
18. A Mouth
Perhaps you'd like to add some regular yoga into your masturbation practice? Could help with both the reach and the back problems. You can't say enough about flexibility!
19. A Teddy Bear
Hey, no shame! Bear isn't judging you and and no need for you to judge you. We sometimes share more than our beds with stuffed animals.
20. A Shampoo Bottle (And Then Some)
Another excellent argument for comprehensive sex education here. No shame on your young self, but please no one else try anything that's mentioned. It's not safe and not sanitary and you should just buy a butt plug.
21. A Tennis Ball
Not an unreasonable assumption! But this person's poor penis. I hope they moved on quickly to something new! (And lubed!)
22. A Candle
Good intuition indeed! Wax, again, is porous. And you don't want to put anything porous inside your body because: Bacteria.
23. Even More Everything
"Hairbrushes, of course." And more reusing! Just put those veggies in the compost after, yeah?
24. A Giant Zucchini
1. Good call on the condom. 2. Good job not letting good go to waste. 3. I hope you peeled it?
25. A Curling Iron And Vodka
So much ouch here! Also, maybe it's time to invest in a sex toy? Perhaps one that travels?
26. A Jacuzzi
High powered jets are no joke! See: Every person with a vagina who used the shower head and/or bath faucet to masturbate. Just maybe stick to ones you own, rather than communal ones.
27. An Orange
Good tip on doing it in the bath. Another tip? Make sure you don't have any small cuts and wash thoroughly afterward because citrus in a penis cut sounds not fun.
28. Turkey Gravy
I guess the main question here is... Were you playing this game and eating gravy-soaked turkey... Naked?
29. A Crystal
Crystal dildos are totally a thing! Some people even think they have extra special powers. But if it feels good, it feels good, regardless of anything mystical.
Please, please, please give your future child proper lube! Or at least let them know in a subtle way that olive oil and coconut oil don't have to be just for cooking. Don't let you child suffer the way you did!
31. Another Hairbrush
People really love those hairbrush handles! I guess you work with what you've got, and most of us have hairbrushes. But once again: Be sure to sanitize? And maybe just invest in a sex toy that's meant to be a sex toy.
32. A Banana Peel
I mean... Why not? Seems logical.
33. Another Banana
But if you'd had the experience of the other banana-lover, would it have truly been wasted? Only you can say, I guess!
34. Melted Butter
We've got a combo here! Couch plus fifi equals what sounds like a much more satisfying result! Note to everyone: Use lube, however you define it.
35. A Shoe
Does this mean you're a foot fetishist? Maybe. Or maybe you're just creative.
36. A Vacuum Cleaner
Permanently damaged vacuum, but luckily not a permanently damaged dick! You were playing with fire here, friend. Playing. With. Fire.
37. A Sharpie
As long as it came out all the way! In the future, stick to butt toys that have a flared base. Anything not attached to another human or a flared base just shouldn't go in the butt, people.
38. Vick's Vaporub
Another "Please don't try this at home, folks!" Vick's Vaporub is not meant for genitals. Nope.
39. A Jack Hammer Toy
If it vibrates, we masturbates. Toys, toothbrushes, you name it. Someone has masturbated with it.
40. A Recorder
Speaking of band camp. I mean, it's long, cylindrical, and you have it to hand. It makes sense.
41. A Light Saber
There's long — and then there's too long. And 36 inches is going to be too long for most. Yikes.
42. Lip Balm
On the flip side, lip balm — even jumbo-sized — is probably going to be do small. Let's Goldilocks this one and find the just right. (And, once again, I'm going to recommend buying an actual sex toy.)
43. A Model Car
As a rule, let's stay away from wooden insertables, yeah? Even if this person didn't get splinters. Even with lube. Just... Don't put woods inside your body, please.
44. A Happy Meal Toy
Happiest toy, perhaps? Although having to repeatedly pull the spring does sound annoying. And I just don't understand how the snow globe worked?
45. A Joystick
For the final time (today): Please only use lube or cooking oils as lube! No Ben Gay! No Vick's VapoRub! And, please, buy a butt plug. A joystick is too difficult to clean.
It sounds like you were on the path to self discovery long before you discovered adult toys! But I'm glad you got there.
And while there's no shame in self-exploration, I sincerely hope that everyone else here found their way to actual sex toys and actual lubes, eventually. Because some of these things just aren't safe for bodies. Instead, buy from a company that's known to make body-safe toys for all kind of self-exploration. You deserve it.
This post was originally published on February 18, 2016. It was updated on August 12, 2019.