Live in New York long enough, and most of your shared fantasies have long since crossed the line from daydream to downright pathetic. A seat on the L train. Milk that doesn't cost half your kidney. A single street in the entire city that isn't lined with trash bags bursting with broken bottles, pizza boxes, and fliers to some poor schmuck's comedy show in Times Square. In the rare opportunities you have to get off Trash Hole Island, three square feet of grass starts to look more beautiful than you imagine the face of your firstborn will be. It's a wonder we keep coming back for more, but my psychological analyzation of the Masochists Of New York is for another article on another day.
The thing is, to get through the sludge of our icky commutes and the sticky summers and the slap-you-upside-the-boob winter wind, you sometimes have to dig deep into the recesses of your own mind to stay sane. It's not enough to hope that the homeless man outside your subway stop doesn't try to throw something at you today. You want something more. And so, like the Disney princess of Trash Hole Island, you cast your eyes to the sky let yourself ~dream~. They told you that New York was a city of magic, a city of potential, a city where anything could happen. And why the hell shouldn't it? Keep on believing, fellow garbage humans, because if you've indulged in dreaming about any of these secret fantasies New Yorkers have, you are far from alone.
A Hot British Celebrity Stops You And Asks For Directions
“Fifth Ave is that way, Mr. Cavill. I’m headed there right now. Hold my hand so you don’t get lost."
The Local Train Spontaneously Runs Express, To Your Exact Stop And Nobody Else's
Sucks to suck, everyone else in Manhattan!
Brandon From 'Humans Of New York' Stops You For An Interview
Show me one New Yorker who hasn't fallen asleep monologuing exactly what they would tell him and I'll show you a damn liar.
The Paparazzi Mistakes You For A Celebrity
I'm just one more ill-advised bangs trim and stolen cat away from making my dreams come true.
The City Of New York Hardcore Cracks Down On Mini Segways
Never mind that this is hella illegal in the city now and you shouldn't be doing it anyway — THERE ARE YOUNG, IMPRESSIONABLE TOURISTS HERE. The world has its eyes on us! DO NOT LET THIS BE OUR LEGACY!
You Create The Next Viral Video And Live Forever Off The Royalties
You are one dumb rat shoveling pizza away from shaping this great nation and following your early retirement bliss.
An Umbrella Fairy Descends From The Sky, Benevolently Distributing Free Umbrellas Whenever It Rains
As you pop that sucker open somewhere you hear a shopkeeper who jacked their umbrella prices up by $20 faintly sobbing in the distance.
You Successfully Story Top Every Single Person At A Party
Just once, just once in this city of ridiculously interesting, expertly engaging, unfairly beautiful people, you tell a story about that one time you kind of almost broke your foot playing capture the flag and everyone's jaw is on the damn floor because you are hardcore AF, girl.
The City Of New York Declares One Day Of The Year Where Nobody Is Allowed To Do Anything
And you can safely binge-watch 30 Rock reruns and take a pint of Ben & Jerry's to the face without your drunk friends texting you to meet up somewhere or your mom low key calling to check if you're actually doing something tonight or just wasting your youth and the high cost of city living by hiding in your sweat pants again (#woops).
You Sleep Through The Night Without Getting Woken Up By A Horn Honking, A Siren Blaring, Or A Homeless Person Yelling At A Tree
You don't realize how bad it is until you spend a night in suburbia and you fall asleep so fast and so thoroughly that the Sandman might have clocked you over the head.
A Hot Stranger Asks You Out On The Subway, You Date For Several Years, Wed Back In Your Hometown, Breed Adorable City Babies And Smugly Recount The Story Of How You Met Every Other Day Because Your Love Was Obviously Destined And Beautiful And Way Better Than The Rest Of The Dumb Plebes On Trash Hole Island
Movie rights pending.
Images: Netflix; Giphy