I think it's safe to say that Tumblr's version of hazing new fandoms (or, in this case, the mighty resurgence of a fandom) is by taking its originally awesome characters and content and morphing it into Alternate Universes up the wazoo. You've got your modern AUs, your coffee shop AUs, and of course, by far the most persevering of them — the Harry Potter AU that no fandom can escape. So really, it was only a matter of time before we had to decide what Hogwarts House each Star Wars: The Force Awakens character belongs in, because otherwise they could not be fully indoctrinated into the beautiful trash hole that is your brain on fandom in 2016.
It's kind of weird to think that Harry Potter wasn't a tickle in J.K. Rowling's brain when the first Star Wars trilogy hit the scene, and that the book series wasn't finished yet when the second trilogy premiered. Now this latest Star Wars film is emerging into a new generation of #grown nerds who largely contextualized their major life events based on a fictional boy wizard and his sassy owl. Speaking as both Harry Potter garbage and a Star Wars fan, I present to you my (DEFINITE, INARGUABLY CORRECT, FIGHT ME) assessment of where all of our faves, new and old, would be sorted if the Sorting Hat were ever placed upon their precious heads.
Finn Is A Hufflepuff
No, seriously, fight me on this. I know people who have said this in the past have gotten some flack for "discrediting" Finn's bravery and obvious combat skills from years of First Order training, but to that I say excuse you for discrediting the Hufflepuff House by assuming we can't be brave or skilled in combat in addition to our other Hufflepuff-y traits. While Finn is undeniably fierce AF — dude is a non-Force sensitive who took a freaking lightsaber to Kylo Ren and mostly lived to tell the tale — he is also a sweet cinnamon roll, too pure for this world, who would do anything for his friends, even friends he BARELY KNOWS. Only a true Hufflepuff could come out of years of evil First Order conditioning and emerge that loyal, that selfless, and let's face it, that sassy.
Rey Is A Ravenclaw
I know a lot of people would automatically assume that Rey is a Gryffindor, because she is hella brave, and would have to be in order to survive the merciless planet of Jakku and navigate as a scavenger. But Rey's bravery is extremely calculated. This is a girl who survived by learning as a nine-year-old girl how to scavenge for valuable parts among the muck, how to manipulate a generator to create her own speed craft, how to hoist herself up to impossible heights with a pulley system that I doubt many other scavengers would have dared to test the laws of physics with. This is also a girl who spent whatever free time her harsh life allowed running through pilot simulation after simulation, and despite never actually piloting a ship, adapted it to work the Millennium Falcon in less than a minute. Rey-venclaw through and through.
Poe Dameron Is A Gryffindor
Let's face it. Poe is the cockiest son of a gun the Resistance has ever seen, and #bless his perfect soul for it. He has the kindness, supportiveness and loyalty of a Hufflepuff for certain, but it's a little hard to hear it sometimes over that whole "I'm the best pilot in the Resistance" and "Pfft yeah I can fly your dumb TIE Fighter, don't you know who I am?" 'tude. This coupled with the fact that this man already has a perilous record for risk-taking in the very small amount of screen time he got in this movie, and I'm going to have to call this one as a Gryffindor, no buts about it.
Han Solo Is A Slytherin
Uh, I don't think I really have to explain this one all that much, because he is ambitious as hell and is the poster child for Out For Yourself (the thrilling sequel to Sorry About Those Rathtars That Ate Half Your Crew, My Bad). How many times has Han wormed his way out of life-or-death situations with his cunning? He is also very Slytherin-esque in that he loves and is loyal to a select handful of people in the galaxy, but those are the people he is willing to do anything for. (Really going to have to stop typing now lest I bleed tears into the keyboard about it.)
Chewbacca Is A Gryffindor
Let's be real, he can be every bit as savage as Han, but literally everything he does is motivated out of loyalty. This is a Wookiee you want on your side.
Leia Organa Is A Ravenclaw
I really wrestled with this one, because she could so easily be a Gryffindor as well. Call it the Hermione Complex, if you will. But there's a reason she's the general, and it's because her tactical mind and diplomatic skills simply can't be beat. The Resistance has plenty of Gryffindors running amok (cough, Poe Dameron), but they would be nothing without their equally fearless leader, who happens to be the brains behind the entire operation.
Kylo Ren Is A Slytherin
I really have to make something clear here: I'm not just lopping all the "bad guys" into Slytherin because Slytherin is the "bad person" house. (In fact, as a Slytherpuff, I take issue with anybody assuming that in the first place.) It just so happens that everyone in the First Order is ridonk ambitious, cunning, and rather ruthless, which is probably why the First Order is doing so well for itself in the first place.
But back to Kylo Ren and his particular brand of ambition — unfortunately, what could have been his greatest asset was exactly the trait Snoke used to lure him to the Dark Side. I find Kylo Ren's arc particularly intriguing in regards to this, though, since we don't know much about his "back story". I'm curious if he might have qualified as a Gryffindor back when he was training with Luke, and then pulled a Peter Pettigrew, who also was manipulated into darkness by the thirst to prove himself and align himself with power. Or who knows, maybe Ben Solo was set for this path from the start. But being the only Force-sensitive Slytherin (aside from Snoke, who is basically a bag of bones), I have a feeling future reveals in the movies might complicate my initial assessment. Only time will tell.
General Hux Is A Slytherin
Even if you missed his whole savage leader vibe in the movie, when you read it his back story, you see that his ruthless kind of ambition runs in his blood. His father was a commandant at the Imperial Academy, and I am genuinely quoting this bit straight from the Star Wars Wiki Page on Hux: "While growing up, he always thought it was his destiny to rule the galaxy." It also implies that his rise through the ranks was not super pretty (the words "technological terror" were involved), so it's safe to say that Hux's ambition, his most defining trait, lands him straight into Slytherin.
Captain Phasma Is A Slytherin
I'm sorry, Imma let you finish, but letting your super destroyer weapon — nay, your entire base — get blown the eff up because you didn't want to die at the hands of an angry Wookiee's bowcaster is the most Slytherin move of all time. Self-preservation for the win. (Incidentally, I would not be surprised if they explained with rather plot hole-y move with her defecting from the First Order later on, but I'm just Tumblr trash, what do I know.)
BB-8 Is A Muggle
BB-8 is us. BB-8 is the fangirl/fanboy who didn't mean to get caught up in everyone's mess, but is also ridiculously here for it. BB-8 is that nervous punk on the edge of their seat at the theater for the fifth viewing in a row who just wants everybody to be OK and get along while also narrating everything as sassily as possible.
These First Order Stormtroopers Are Ravenclaws
Any stormtrooper who has avoided Kylo Ren's wrath long enough to make it into a film is probably a Ravenclaw, TBH.
Luke Skywalker Is A Hufflepuff
Everything else Luke has ever done aside, leaving a freaking two part treasure map behind and expecting your friends to ~find~ you is so aggressively a Hufflepuff move that I don't even know how to handle it.
Maz Kanata Is The Sorting Hat
You don't sort Maz Kanata. MAZ KANATA SORTS YOU.
Images: Disney; Giphy