Last week, Pretty Little Liars was like, “EZRA IS BOARD SHORTS!” I was immediately on board (shorts) with that reveal. (I also can't stop laughing about Ezra ordering Board Shorts Ale and boysenberry pie. What a goblin.) I cannot stand Ezra. I'm ready for him to be the one and only villain on the show. I'm ready to root against him. I may or may not write PLL fanfic, and I may or may not have devoted an entire chapter of a novella to Spencer, Mona, Hanna, Emily, and Aria taking Ezra to Plate Zone and chucking dishes at his face.
This week, Ezra was more "A" than he's ever been. If he isn't "A," this is the best trick the show has ever played.
LIAR ROLE CALL!
- Shana asks Emily to get a stash o' cash from Ali’s bedroom. Shana tried to get the money before, but Mrs. DiLaurentis wouldn’t leave her alone. Foiled! It’s up to Emily. Emily’s game because Emily wants to be on good terms with Ali again. So Emily goes through with it. Mrs. DiLaurentis leaves Emily alone long enough for Emily to cut into the backing of some poster in Ali’s room and retrieve a wad of dough.
- Shana is supposed to pick up the money from Emily, but she never shows up to the coffee shop.
- Why? Because someone attacks Shana while she’s in her car. When she comes to, she’s delirious. Ali calls Shana and is like, “Hey, do you have my moolah? I’m running low. You know the drill. I can’t keep hiding if I don’t have money.” But Shana is freaked out. She is like, “Whoops, I don’t know what happened. I don’t have the moolah. I have to leave Rosewood. Good luck with that money thing.”
- Ali is distressed. She hops on a bus. Where to? We may never know.
- Spencer is very jittery. Because she’s hooked on Adderall AND because she’s wigging out over the Ezra reveal. She stays up all night searching terms like “Ezra Fitz” and “Board Shorts.” She. Can’t. Stop. Researching.
- One day, Ezra catches Spencer in the school hallway. He says he needs to talk to her about a paper. He claims that the paper is very un-Spencer. For example, there’s an entire Wikipedia’d paragraph. Oh, SPENCER. He’s worried about her work and curious as to what’s been keeping her busy. Uh oh. HE TOTALLY SUSPECTS SHE’S ONTO HIM. He asks to see her after school. She’s like, “Nah, I’ll take the grade, you stanky pair of board shorts.”
- Later, Spencer looks up “Ezra Fitz Ravenswood address.” No luck. “Ezra Fitzgerald Ravenswood address,” however… ? She finds an apartment listing. UH OH. Of course, Spencer goes to that apartment (but never actually goes in. We'll get to that.)
- Ezra steals Spencer’s looks at Spencer's school file/medical history. He shoves the entire folder in his bag. Why? WE'LL GET TO THAT, TOO.
- Hanna does not dig Spencer’s sketchy vibes. Inspired by James Patterson novels, Hanna tries to get to the bottom of whatever it is that's eating at Hastings. After stakeouts and weird convos, she finally goes for it: SHE SNOOPS AROUND SPENCER’S BEDROOM WITHOUT SPENCER AND LOOKS AT HER LAPTOP. Go Hanna, go Hanna, GO! She sees all of the Ezra/Board Shorts/Ravenswood research. Hanna is like, “Oh, shit.”
- Hanna catches up with Spencer in Ravenswood, and is like, “Hey, Spencer? You’re high as a kite. Don’t go in that apartment.” Spencer is like, “Ugh, fine. Let’s go to Ezra’s Rosewood apartment then.” Spencer’s convinced she’ll find info regarding a Ravenswood apartment in his current place. But just as they’re about to let themselves in with the spare key, Spencer realizes a camera is watching them. She and Hanna leave.
- AND HOLY SHIT. EZRA IS SITTING IN HIS CAR, WEARING “A” GEAR, AND WATCHING SPENCER AND HANNA FROM A HANDHELD DEVICE.
- Spencer and Hanna tell Emily about Ezra. They think there’s a correlation between Shana and Fitz. They wait to tell Aria. They think Aria is in Syracuse with her dad, not in a murder cabin with Ezra, so they assume she's safe as can be. SO WRONG, LIARS. COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG.
- Ezra tries to persuade Aria to go with him to the creepy cabin. Aria’s like, “No, I’m staying at home with Mike this weekend. Maybe we can go check on him throughout the weekend? I can tell my dad I’m staying with Hanna and tell all of my friends I’m in Syracuse with my dad,” Ezra’s like, “NO WE NEED TO HANG OUT IN MY DOOM AND GLOOM CABIN ALL WEEKEND. JUST THE TWO OF US.” She’s like, “Ooh, you had me at hello!”
- Ezra and Aria go to the cabin. However, at one point, she’s like, “Take me home, please. Lying to my friends and family is tearing me apart.” He’s like, “Meh, no. NO. NO! You’re being silly. Lying to your friends makes our bond stronger! We’re the closest!” She's like, "YOU'RE SO RIGHT!"
- That night, Ezra cooks a meal and is like, “Oh, shoot. I don’t have chickpeas! This recipe neeeeeeds chickpeas.” Aria is like, “I’ll run to the store! YAY, an errand! Freedom!”
- The moment Aria leaves, Ezra retrieves A CAN OF CHICKPEAS FROM THE CUPBOARD. He brings the chickpeas down to the secret basement and then sits down in front of three computer monitors. Time to check his "A" inbox! He clicks through the new messages. "Ooh! So many attachments!" Every attachment is A SECRET PHOTO OF THE LIARS. AUGHHHHHHHHH.
- Later, Ezra does “A” stuff/spies on the Liars via a handheld device in his car. He returns to the cabin and startles Aria. Aria is wearing age-appropriate lingerie (NOPE). Aria might’ve been scared by Ezra suddenly appearing, but Ezra remains the jumpy one. Why is he so nervous? Oh, maybe because Spencer and Hanna know he’s “A.” Maybe because he realizes his sketchball world could come crashing down on him at any moment. Maybe that’s what’s bothering him.
The ep ends with Ezra dumping out a stack of fresh Rx slips. Who's the doctor on the slips? DR. WREN. EZRA'S GOING TO FORGE SO MANY PRESCRIPTIONS FOR SPENCER. Why? I DON'T KNOW.
Image: Eric McCandless/ABC Family