12 Struggles Of Being Someone Who Is Obsessed With Having A Routine

When I was little, I was very determined that when I was 14 I was going to turn into a Sailor Scout and join the crimefighting squad. They had it all — the moves, the sick outfits, the dreamy if not inexplicably useless man in a tuxedo throwing shrubbery at their nemeses. But even at the tender age of five, there was one part about the whole superhero shebang that really bothered me: just how inconvenient it was. Like what, you were supposed to drop everything on a dime in the middle of the night, or the middle of a quiz, or in the middle of (gasp) eating a snack? How were you supposed to plan for anything if your plans were constantly getting disrupted by evil goons? Thanks, but no thanks, Moon Kingdom.

Now that we've established that I'm a terrible would-be vigilante who would let half of Tokyo die in 1996 for the sake of finishing a pizza, I'll speak to the broader issue this brought to light: I'm obsessed with having a routine. I love getting up every morning and going to the same gym, going to work and eating the same breakfast, talking to the same humans, walking up and down the same blocks, and watching the same television shows over and over again. Every day is Groundhog's Day. I am the first to admit that on paper I am boring AF, and I LOVE IT. The few times I have tried to be a spontaneous, go-where-the-wind-takes-me type of person, I've been so miserable that you'd think I was medically allergic to spontaneity. Alas, I know what I am and I know what I'm not, and if you are also someone who is obsessed with having routines, you will understand these #struggles far too well:

Your Initial Thought Whenever Someone Invites You Somewhere Is “Oh, Crap”

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It's a catch-22: you know for a fact that once you get to the thing, you will have so much fun. But initially, that text rolls in and you're like, "WHOA, no no no no no, I'm supposed to be drinking three buck chuck alone and watching Friends reruns from 6:03 p.m. to 9:12 p.m. on Friday, NO CAN DO."

You Get Astronomically Worked Up Over Tiny Inconveniences

You secretly want to smack anyone who touts philosophies like "go with the flow" and ~live in the moment~ upside the head. The moment would be a lot easier to live in if we all just stuck to a schedule, dammit.

You Alternately Are Excited For And Massively Dread Vacations

You go on vacation to break your routine, and then in a panic, immediately form a new routine the second you land. Whatever you do on the first day sets the tone for how you live for the rest of the week. (But damn, does that first day feel like you're living on the edge.)

You’re Constantly Wondering About The Butterfly Effect

So you said no to another invite or elected not to head out to the bar half your friend group just drunkenly texted you from. It's a relief for the first eight seconds, but then you're all, Oh, snap — what if you had gone, and that's where you met the person you were supposed to marry? Or how you ended up meeting someone who could have hooked you up with your dream job? And what if you've just cosmically screwed yourself over because Thursdays are laundry night and you just couldn't bear the idea of not getting it done on this particular sun cycle?! The butterfly effect is too real.

Your Friends Think You’re Hella Anti-Social

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When the truth is, you just really like them. And you don't have any interest in joining them out in the wild where you have to talk to people who are not them.

When (God Forbid) Your Routine Gets Disrupted, Your Mess Gets Especially Hot

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Welp, you woke up 10 minutes late by accident, so you might as well not shower or pack your lunch or exercise or speak to another human being today. Game over. You tried.

All Of Your FOMO Is Self-Inflicted

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Your first reaction when you see all the Snapchats of your squad hanging out without you is to playing the saddest song on the tiniest violin, but then you remember it's all your fault you didn't go in the first place — so, slightly less sad song on a regular-sized violin (or just a Taylor Swift song, to be safe).

You Are Forever The Grandma Of Your Friend Group

To be fair, most grandmas are your #RoutineGoals.

Your Notebook Budget Is Embarrassing

You are so obsessed with making schedules and lists that you might as well buy stock in Office Depot, considering all the business you're giving them.

It’s Way Too Easy To Get Stuck In A Rut Professionally

I, for instance, once had ambitions of being a famous singer/songwriter. After several months of working different hours every day and night and randomly traveling all over the place, I eventually tailspinned into an existential crisis that was only remedied by a hard left in Extreme Routine Making at the dullest, least goal-oriented office job on the planet. I'm lucky now to have a job that lets me be spontaneous and has an hourly schedule (literally hearing the words "nine to five" like, turns me on, guys), but until you find a good fit that fulfills you and suits your routine-craving ways, it is frighteningly easy to get stuck somewhere that messes up your delicate, orderly brain waves.

And It Would Take Divine Intervention For You To Find An SO

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You go to the same places at the same time every damn day of every damn week. If you were going to meet your soulmate at one of them, you would have three years ago. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

You Really Do Want To Think Of Yourself As A Spontaneous Person

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You want to be the kind of person who has wild tales for the great grandkids and makes her millions of a tell-all book on how you ate your way through all seven continents and follows the beat of her own YOLO. But you want to be the kind of person who has a bimonthly scheduled hour window to shop at Trader Joe's more. Alas — you are too far gone to be saved.

Images: Pexels; Giphy