Just like your preferences in dating change over time, your sexual habits, your techniques and go-to moves should evolve, too. There's a good chance the kind of sex you had when you were 22 is not quite as hot (or successful) as it is now that you’re approaching 30, right? For most women, your sexual expertise and skill set— aka your peak — doesn’t reach it’s steamiest point until you’re 32.
“Women in their 30s gain confidence both in their professional life, relationships and most importantly, in bed!, sex expert Coleen Singer tells Bustle. “ As we get a little older, we have had a lot of sexual experiences which come together for us to know what we want and what to ask for from our sex partners. We also know and accept our body and what turns us on.”
With all these bonuses of leaving our 20s behind us (along with those not-so-great one-night stands, failed relationships and strange encounters that may have scarred us, but also made us more aware of what we want) — it’s important to add more tricks to your so-called bag of sex moves. And different ways of looking at sex as an important part of a relationship. By doing this, women open themselves up to what quite possibly could be the sexiest decade of your life. So if you’re wanting to take that orgasm to the next level (for you and your partner) — how can you up the ante on your sexuality?
Here, experts share the sex habits every woman should gain by the time she’s 30. But first, check out our video on sex positions to last longer in bed:
1. Give Yourself Permission to Experiment
In your 20s, you may have lost your virginity or been very new to having sex. Your partners — #bless them — were probably also figuring sex out, too. Maybe you had jackhammer sex or oral sex that did nothing but irritate you. As you reach your 30s, you’re not only more comfortable with who you are, but you have a better idea of what turns you on and what just doesn’t work for you. Singer says this is the time for taking it to the next level. “We all have fantasies, and once you are into your 30s, you can use these for inspiration of things to try,” she says. “Thinking about having sex outdoors or in an elevator where someone might catch you turn you on? Go for it! We've all got our little kinks and (so long as safe and legal, and don't involve clowns!) can be simply thrilling to play out in reality.”
2. Take Ownership Of Yourself As A Sexual Being
Whether you believe it or not, the very essence of being a sexual being is powerful. And when you get to your 30s, taking a moment to relish in the fact that your body is capable of pleasure (and maybe, ahem, one day, reproduction) is a feat to accomplish in itself. Psychotherapist Esther Boykin tells Bustle it’s important to really accept, love and celebrate sex in your 30s, instead of it just being something you do. “It's time to accept your sexual self as a beautiful and amazing part of who you are. No matter what your preferences are or what your body looks like, get into the habit of immersing yourself in the pleasure of sex as an adult,” she says. “No more hiding or sneaking around, unless that's your thing and you do it just for fun; your 30's are about taking full ownership of your life and that includes sex.”
3. Boldly Leave the Lights On
Just like you were figuring out your career, what you wanted out of a partner and how to manage evolving friendships in your 20s, you were also learning to come to peace with yourself. We all have things that we find imperfect about how we look — no matter how many times your partner reminds you how attractive you are. As you grace the golden 30s, you’ve likely found a way to own the things that make you uniquely you, and uniquely sexy. So why not be bold with the lights on while you’re naked? Singer says it can inspire a thrilling rush of confidence.
4. Be More Selective
Regardless if getting married and having children is on your timeline or not, as you approach your 30s, you’re likely feeling more and more decisive about everything: from what you want for dinner to who you are bringing home. If you don’t want or have a long-term partner (and hey, that’s OK!) — Boykin says to really have incredible sex, a good habit to gain is the art of selection. “There's nothing inherently wrong with exploring sex with a variety of partners but as we mature that exploration should look less like random selection and a lot more like a carefully crafted study,” she says. “Just as with our fashion and beauty choices, when you know more (and better) you make better choices. Know your preferences and what you value in a sexual partner and then choose accordingly."
5. Don’t Be Ashamed to Ask For What You Want
Alright, so we all have moments when we’re not exactly feeling it in the bedroom — and it’s OK — but it's time to stop faking it. If you’re faking your way through sex, you’re not telling your partner what you really need. “We need to communicate what we need to our lovers,” Singer says. “Most people are not mind-readers, so finding ways to say what you like gives them a roadmap to satisfying you and, in turn, getting more satisfaction themselves will improve the quality of your sex life.”
6. Own Your Noises
So you’re a screamer? Or a moaner? Maybe you are a dirty talker. Whatever happens when you’re getting hot, let it out. “Don't hold back from making noise if you feel good. Those moans are sexy to your partner and nothing to be embarrassed about,” licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Melissa Fogel tells Bustle. “In fact, people who make noises during sex usually enjoy it more. So go ahead and let out those moans, grunts, sighs and screams.”