The One Question You Should Ask Before You See Someone Again
Let's say you've gotten through the initial roadblock of meeting someone you like enough to go out with for a first date, and it went well enough. What is the one question you should ask this person before you agree to go on a second date? What can you not live without knowing in the interim between date one and date two?
For starters, relationship coach and psychic medium Melinda Carver tells Bustle, you have to find out what this person on the other side of the table (or on the barstool next to you) envisions for the future in terms of having a relationship (or not having one). After a great first date, the one question to ask is, 'Which type of relationship do you see yourself having in the future?'" Carver says.
There are lots of different sorts of partnerships, and they are all valid — as long as you feel comfortable in the one you choose. "This is vitally important to ask," Carver says, "because it is an open-ended question that provides valuable insight into your date's mind before you develop deep feelings for them."
Here are follow-ups on that question, because let's be real: You're going to want to ask them more than one question. But first, check out the latest episode of Bustle's Sex and Relationships podcast, I Want It That Way:
1. What Was Your Last Relationship Like?
Perhaps your potential beau says that he or she is looking for a relationship, and you are too. "If your date says, 'I would like to have a girlfriend/boyfriend and be happy,' they are looking for a long-term, happy relationship," Carver says. "They are not just casually hooking up with others." Hooray! Now it's legit to ask a little more about the past of your possible new love, who Carver calls " second-date material."
2. Are You Looking For Something With No Strings Attached?
Maybe your date says they're into something more casual. Find out what exactly they're in search of, so you are both on the same page. "If they say, 'I'm planning on hooking up with as many people as I can,'" and that they're looking for "not any kind" of a relationship, at least you know where you stand, Carver points out. "Then you know that they are not relationship material. If you're looking for the same thing, great. So feel free to ask any and all related questions right off the bat.
3. Do You Believe In True Love?
If your date says they're looking for a relationship, perhaps you can find out a little more about their belief system and decide whether you'd be a good match and if want to see them again, Carver says.
4. Do You Want Marriage Someday?
I am of the ilk who believes in the milder-mannered first date, but if you're the type who goes hard or goes home, why not ask about their future desires? If you're looking for a long-term relationship, and you discover that someone isn't looking partnership, Carver says to end it. "Do not go any further!" But if they do say they're ISO an LTR, you can pry a little deeper into their hopes and dreams.
5. What Are You Searching For?
"Knowing what your date is searching for gives you the power to choose your next move," Carver says. Whatever it may be, it's worth finding out. They might be looking for a traditional partnership, and all of the trappings that go along with that — marriage, a house, babies — or they might be looking for something super casual, but they also could be looking for something that falls somewhere along the spectrum. The most important thing is to find out what it is.
6. Do You Want To Go Out Again?
It's wise to find out whether your date wants to see you again. I know, I know: You're totally awesome, and why wouldn't someone want to see you a million more times? But the truth of the matter is that sometimes people don't click. If after the date you think you're capable of falling for him or her, don't get overexcited just yet, Carver says. See what they're thinking re: date two, so you don't get your hopes up unnecessarily.
7. How Did You Decide That's What You Want?
If your date tells you that they want a relationship and you don't, or vice versa, you can take this opportunity to ask why they want what they want, since it seems safe to say you won't see each other again, so basically it's an ask-whatever situation. Whatever you do, though, don't settle, Carver says. "Staying around for casual sex will not lead into a long-term relationship," she says. "Choose to wield your power over your emotions before they become entangled with someone who does not want anything more from you then the use of your body," Carver says. "Move on to the next date."
8. What Do You Like To Do For Fun?
Hey, it's a great question, and it's smart to see if your favorite things to do match your date's. If you are going for round two, you can ask them if the types of things you like to do are the same as theirs, and perhaps plan a stellar second date right then and there.
9. When Should We Have A Second Date?
One of the worst things in the world is waiting around wondering if you're going to hear from someone with whom you had a really awesome first date. So find out when they want to reconvene, assuming that they do, and make a plan. That way, you're not sitting around all week on pins and needles, and you'll have something to look forward to.
10. Want To Get The Check?
I jest, but not completely. If you ask that initial question and you find out that your date doesn't want the same things, get out of there. Or as Carver puts it, "Choose to let go and move on." I couldn't have said it better myself.
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