What's Going On In Zayn's "Like I Would" Video?

Ever since last March when Zayn Malik left One Direction and subsequently ruined the young lives of preteens everywhere, he’s been working as rebranding himself with a Sexy Grown-Up Image. He made a deep stab at that with the Gigi Hadid-infused music video “Pillowtalk,” and now he’s making another cut. Early on Tuesday, the world was given a treat in the form of Zayn's "Like I Would" music video, and honestly? Maybe it might be the sexiest (or stupidest, fine line) light show of all time, but I have no idea what the plot for “Like I Would” is.

Which is to assume that there’s even a plot to begin with... there feels as though there might be a story line buried underneath this space rave. Mostly, though, I’m left with a lot of questions about what’s going on than actual answers. Like, part of me thinks that Zayn tried to do a hot and heavy take on Tron, and another part of me thinks that he probably has no idea what’s going on either.

You can feel free to watch the video below, and decipher yourself. But if you’re as concerned as I am, I’m sure these are all the burning questions you have about Zayn’s new music video.

1. What's Going On With This Suit?

Is this a modern callback to 1999's music video obsession with futuristic settings a la The Backstreet Boys' "Larger Than Life?" Or was Zayn just like, one of those kids who had glow-in-the-dark stars covering his room?

2. Why Isn't Zayn Getting Beamed Up Here?

That is an ineffective teleportation device.

3. What's With This Orange Eye?

Maybe Zayn is trying to do a David Bowie thing and act like he's some kind of alien. My concern? How did he have time to put on his orange contact, but he didn't have time to shave this this morning? You're getting a little neck-beardy, Zayn.

4. Why Is This Girl Wearing Dollar Store Glow Sticks As An Outfit?

I don't even know what she's doing here.

5. Likewise, Is Zayn Wearing Those Light-Up Wires As A Vest?

Perhaps the two actually just had an adventurous trip to Staples.

6. What's The Deal With These Chicks?

And what's with their posing? It's like the Ginyu Force merged with Britney Spears' catsuit from the "Oops!...I Did It Again" video.

7. Also Why Are These Girls Being So Mean To The One In The Middle?

Is she the girl who left Zayn, and they're pissed at her? Or are they pissed because she chose Zayn in the first place when OMG, you guys, everyone knows that Harry is the cutest 1D member, amirite?

8. Why Is This The Weirdest Game Of Laser Tag I've Ever Seen In My Life?

More importantly, who's winning? It seems like no one so far.

9. Does This Really Seem Like An Opportune Place To Do Basic Training?

That one is rhetorical, we know the answer is a definitive "naaaah."

10. Is Zayn Trapped In This Laser Cage?

Is that why he's just standing around, being boring? Can someone help him?

11. Wait, How Did Zayn Get Out Of The Laser Cage?

Wow, way to act on my plea, team.

12. Isn't Hair Pulling A Bit Much?

Is this the interpretive dance version of, "But Zayn is so hot!" "No, Niall is the best one!" Like, did we just take the behavior of particularly hardcore fangirls and make it a sophisticated, latex-covered gesture?

13. Why Is The Main Chick Fighting The Military Guys?

I feel like there's some preeeeetty gaping plot holes here.

14. Wait, Why Are The Dancers And The Soldiers All Of A Sudden Friends Now?

I definitely missed something... or several somethings.

Whatever the plot of the video is, it's definitely pretty interesting (and interestingly) pretty to watch. So, at least there's that.

Images: YouTube (15)