In case you were worried, dear reader, about the impending doom of Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes' love affair, you can breathe a deep sigh of relief. And if you were clutching a battered picture of Gosling to your chest, waiting eagerly for news of the destruction of the only impediment standing between you and your one true love, sit down before reading the rest of this article. I'll wait. Yes, Gosling was spotted at Eva Mendes' house in the Hollywood Hills last Wednesday.
Die-hard Gosling lovers saw their shadows and predicted six more weeks of his relationship with the 39-year-old actress. Driving even more nails in the coffin of Gosling and Mendes' alleged break-up, Mendes sat down with Ellen DeGeneres on February 12 and discussed Valentine's Day plans. She joked that she would order a deep dish pizza, watch The Notebook, and cry, which is not something I would have the moxie to say if I'd recently broken up with the star of the featured film. No, it appears that their relationship, which was sparked on the set of their The Place Beyond the Pines (2012), is lasting through the peak months for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Gosling fans who were hoping for a split should definitely stock up on heat lamps to make it through the subsequent months of Still Actually Dating.
That being said, there are a number of reasons why Gosling could have been at Mendes' place that do not involve them dating. Let's take a look, shall we?
1. He has an obsession with her trash.
Let's just address the elephant in the room. Gosling was grinning so sheepishly because he had been knee deep in Mendes' coffee grounds and shredded bank statements only seconds before the paparazzi showed up. Rumor has it that Rachel McAdams and Gosling broke up because she was tired of him collecting her old Panera receipts.
2. They secretly co-own a small and emotionally needy dog.
While the couple haven't been spotted with said dog, per se, it's perfectly feasible that they have one. His name could be Barnabas, he could exercise on a small treadmill in Mendes' house, and he could have rampant commitment issues that necessitate Gosling's weekly attention. While Mendes and Gosling may have fallen out of love, Gosling just can't quit this little dog.
3. They just pulled an all-nighter watching each others' oeuvres.
When Mendes joked about watching The Notebook on Valentine's Day, she wasn't kidding. Unbeknownst to most fans, Mendes and Gosling are held together solely through the television screen. The moments in which they can truly connect are when they are watching each other in their respective films. Chairs back-to-back, separate screens. Mendes boots up The Notebook while Gosling tackles Hitch. There is no touching, except for the occasional brush of hands as they pass the popcorn. This is a purely aesthetic pursuit, and they would fail in their platonic ideal of a relationship if they let something as tawdry as their sex drives come between them and the other's art.
4. He is contractually obligated to make an appearance.
As part of the publicity for The Place Beyond the Pines, Gosling and Mendes signed a contract to fake a relationship for the next three years. Producers believe that this will get DVD sales on solid footing, while still allowing the actors a short enough time span that it won't unreasonably affect their chances at finding true love. Other participants in this type of contract include: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (who unfortunately missed the clause that required a life-long fake commitment) and Gosling and Rachel McAdams, whose contract stipulated a two year relationship followed by a brief fling one year later. Gosling still has time on his contract with Mendes, but ladies, he is plotting his first few steps as a free man. Which brings us to the last reason he was spotted at Mendes' house…
5. He was making you jealous.
Mendes is a ploy, a ruse, a piece of Crackerjack on the way to earning the true prize: you. You have followed him over the years on his fan-created tumblr and subsequent feminist tumblr. You have catalogued every sweaty lock draped over his troubled brow, every candid photo of him stepping out without shoes, every heartfelt gaze that freezes the film camera and time itself. Sources confirm that, all this time, Gosling has been planning a way to fake his own death and fly with you to Aberdeen, Scotland, where you will live on the outskirts of town and knit sweaters together as your children tumble over the moors, laughing like the seagulls that inhabit Scotland's third most populous city. So as you read the articles confirming his relationship with Mendes, you can only smile. You have your eye on the long game, and you know that some day, maybe not this month or year or decade, you will open the door to a pair of puppy eyes and lips that drop the words, "Hey girl." And while you wait for that shining day, you can surround yourself with products that remind you of him, your one and only love.