10 Quotes From Dads In Books

by Sadie Trombetta

Everyone's parents are different, but there's on thing all dads have in common: a terrible sense of humor and a tendency to embarrass their children at every opportunity. If you think your own dad is bad, know that you aren't alone by reading these quotes from fathers in books that are even more outrageous than you dad's favorite bad joke. Trust me, the perfect way to celebrate Father's Day is with these laugh-out-loud lines.

My dad is the kind of guy who loves to call store clerks by their first name to freak them out, throws spitballs whenever we go out to eat, and thinks that inappropriate dirty jokes are the best way to break the ice with new people. Whether we are at home with the family or out in public, he can't help but make wise cracks, pull pranks, and try to make people laugh with his terrible jokes — but I can't blame him, because after all, this is just what dads do.

Between the real-life fathers I know and love to the fictional ones from books, one thing is clear: they are all guilty of the bad dad jokes, and the truth is, even literary dads can make you cringe with embarrassment.

Don't believe me? Try reading these 10 quotes from fathers in books that give a whole new meaning to "dad jokes."

1. Believing that she was still asleep, for they were not intentionally unkind, her daddy and a visiting uncle were standing over her, looking down at her young thumbs.

"Well," her uncle said after a while, "you're lucky that she don't suck 'em."

"She couldn't suck 'em," said Sissy'y daddy, exaggerating. "She'd need a mouth like a fish tank."

— Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues by Tom Robbins

2. "You can't shag a nun one time then dine out on it for the rest of your life."

— Charlie Asher, Secondhand Souls by Christopher Moore

3. “The Big Friendly Giant makes his Magic powders out of the dreams that children dream when they are asleep [...] A dream, you see, as it goes drifting though the night air, makes a tiny little buzzing-humming sound so soft and low it is impossible for ordinary people to hear it. But the BFG can hear it easily. His sense of hearing is absolutely fantastic."

— William, Danny, Champion of the World by Roald Dahl

4. "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain."

— Arthur Weasley, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling

5. "Bernadette and her enthusiasm were like a hippo and water: get between them and you'll be trampled to death."

— Elgin Branch, Where'd You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple

6. I begged him to lower his voice. "Please, Dad, don't mention it in front of her. Amy's very sensitive about her... you know."

"Her what? Go ahead and say it: her big fat ass [...] You could land a chopper on an ass like that."

— David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

7. "Harry, why don't you get a bunch of cotton waste from Vern Garr, soak it in Blue Sunoco, and burn your fucking wardrobe? You make me feel like I'm at Watson Brothers." Watson Brothers is the name of the funeral parlor for white people who were at least moderately well-to-do. Blue Sunoco was a brand of gasoline.

— Dwayne Hoover, Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut

8. "Mothers." The man made the word sound like a curse. "I think birthing does something to your minds. You are all mad." He laughed. It was a bitter sound.

— Jamie Lannister, A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin

9. If you asked my dad about selecting any kind of professional career, he'd tell you, "Don't make a date with a heart attack."

— Chuck Palahniuk, Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

10. Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn’t entirely there.

"You haven’t heard of the Bay of Mante, have you?" he said.“No, sir,” said Mort."Famous shipwreck there."“Was there?”"There will be, said Death, if I can find the damn place."

— Terry Pratchett, Mort (Discworld #4) by Terry Pratchett

Images: Warner Bros.; Giphy (5)