'Vanderpump' Stars Talk To Their Younger Selves

If you had the opportunity to offer advice to the 13-year-old version of you, what would you say? Stassi Schroeder, Scheana Marie, Kristen Doute, and Tom Sandoval of Vanderpump Rules ran with this idea for a BravoTV.com segment, and the results were rather entertaining. Each cast member pretended to talk to their teen self on the phone, and a majority of what was said was pretty adorable/funny.

What would I say to teen Kristie? I’d probably recommend younger me avoid decorative rubber bands for braces in the following colors: lime green and dark green. Hindsight is 20/20, I know, but when I see old pics, I can't help but think that those those rubber bands look like boogers/spinach that had gotten stuck in the brackets. Yes, green was/is my favorite color, but that doesn't mean I had to wear it on my teeth. Maybe I was going for the booger teeth vibe? Who knows.

I’ve scored and ranked the Vanderpump-tastic words of wisdom:

  1. Tom: “If you do go [to Las Vegas], don’t take your shirt off and don’t take your pants off either, man.”150 points. A perfect piece of advice for a guy who's gotten himself into a lot of trouble for doing both.
  2. Scheana: “Don’t let these girls bully you. Stand up for yourself.”145 points. Yet another solid piece of advice. For Scheana, yes, but it applies to everyone/anyone.
  3. Kristen: “Do not give into the cattiness or the bullshit. For god’s sake, do not be a mean girl.”120 points. Yeah! Be nice. This also goes for anyone and everyone.
  4. Tom: “Your future is bright, man. Wear shades.”110 points. Wearing sunglasses is always a great idea.
  5. Kristen: “Don’t lie, because lying is going to kill you.”95 points. Docked the score only because telling a 13-year-old something will kill them when it actually won’t might stress 'em out. (Or maybe I was a particularly high-strung 13-year-old?)
  6. Scheana: “If you meet a guy in high school named ‘Shay,’ be very, very nice to him.”90 points. Cute!
  7. Tom: “Don’t be ashamed of modeling, as much as people make fun of you.”89 points. NEVER BE ASHAMED OF WHO YOU ARE, TOM SANDOVAL.
  8. Stassi: “Basically like, you are always right in every situation. So, feel comfortable knowing that.”87 points. If anyone else said this, I’d be like, “NOPE.” But Stassi is Stassi, so this statement is a-ok by me.
  9. Tom: “Don’t worry about college. It’s not for you, man.”85 points. If college isn’t your bag, it isn’t your bag! No shame.
  10. Tom: “First of all, there’s this guy who will eventually be called ‘Jax Taylor.’ Don’t trust him. He likes to gossip.”80 points. “He likes to gossip” is only the tip of the Jaxberg. But Tom is correct. Do not trust Jax.
  11. Stassi: “When you move to L.A., you should probably steer clear of someone named ‘Jax.’” 79 points. This applies to all women who move to L.A.
  12. Scheana: “If you ever meet a guy named ‘Eddie,’ just run far away. Especially if he’s married to, like, some tall Amazon woman? Steer clear.”70 points. I mean, yeah.
  13. Stassi: “Don’t dye your hair black.”30 points. Many of us have dyed our hair an unfortunate color at some point. Crappy-looking hair is crappy, but it builds character. You can learn from it. No, the black hair didn’t suit Stassi as well as her blonde hair does, but it might've shaped her into the legend she is today.
  14. Stassi: “If you could just not choose to be gothic in high school, I feel like your life will be a lot easier.”20 points. Let your teen self be your teen self!
  15. Stassi: “Please don’t eat the cafeteria food because that made you a little heavier and you weren’t hot.”-10 points. Ughhhhh. Telling a 13-year-old they’re a little heavier/not hot is harsh.


4th Place: Stassi with 206 points.3rd Place: Kristen with 215 points.2nd Place: Scheana with 305 points.And the winner: Tom with 514 (!!!) points.

Someone get Tom Sandoval an advice show or something. He's a natural.

Image: Bravo