I know we're all really getting off on hating Chad Johnson right now, and I certainly don't want to hold you back from that. But have we considered lately how badly Evan needs to go home on The Bachelorette ? In no way does this mean I support Chad's propensity for violence, or his treatment of his fellow contestants, or really, anything that has to do with Chad even a little bit at all. But I think there are factors in this situation that we haven't been taking into account the way we should.
Just so we're all on the same page — because there are still 13 dudes left, and they tend to blend together for me until we get below 10 — Evan Bass is that floppy-haired erectile dysfunction specialist who hails from Athens, Alabama. He's 33 years old, and he has three kids and a big ol' beef with your boy Chad. Somehow, against all odds, he's made it through three Rose Ceremonies. It doesn't make sense to me.
Maybe you're the kind of person who is a fan of Evan and has completely thought through how and why that is. But I have a feeling you just have a benign sort of goodwill for him by accident, since he's the lesser of two evils against Chad. But I want to encourage you to rethink your opinion of him, because Evan needs to get sent home from The Bachelorette posthaste.
1. He Didn't Follow The Sex Story Exercise Rules
I feel like the entire point of these insane group dates is to see how people function in uncomfortable situations. They're supposed to get their ego out of the way and have fun looking dumb, and by that metric, Evan failed hard. He didn't actually share a story of his own, instead trying to throw that heat on his fellow contestant. I see you, dude.
2. He's A Bully In His Own Right
While we're on the topic, that was a pretty uncool, cowardly way to blow up Chad's spot, even if you feel you were justified — airing what you've decided is his dirty laundry in front of all the other guys on the group date, and JoJo herself. Even some of the other guys who don't have Chad's itch to fight said that they'd be pissed if Evan pulled something like that on them. If you have a genuine issue with someone, there are better and more mature ways to bring it up.
3. He Makes Wild Accusations
And finally, you can't just make things up because you feel like it. Saying that Chad takes steroids is a serious accusation, and one that it's incredibly inappropriate and irresponsible to make without proof, which Evan doesn't seem to have.
4. He Gave JoJo An Ultimatum
Call me crazy, but I can't think of anything less attractive than being given a "him or me" demand by someone who's supposed to be vying for my affections. Did you forget where you are, my dude? You don't call the shots here, JoJo does.
5. He Doesn't Stand His Ground
And if you are gonna be laying down the law, you should at least follow through with your own threats. If you say it's you or Chad, and then Chad ends up staying, I'd expect to see you walking out the door of your own volition. But instead he hung around, which suggests to me that he was just trying to manipulate JoJo into doing what he wanted, and was never actually planning on following through.
6. He Doesn't Respect JoJo's Judgment
Even just watching the show, it's obvious to me that JoJo was always smart enough to figure out Chad's deal. It just took a while for him to show his true colors in front of her in order to trigger that process. If you don't think she's intelligent enough to choose the person who's ultimately right for her, then you should do some soul-searching about why that is, and strive to have a little more respect for her judgment.
7. He Seems To See JoJo As A Trophy
Remember that moment in his interview after they kissed when he looked right into camera and said he was excited for his kids to see that "Daddy made out with JoJo"? That made my stomach churn, because it made me feel like he saw it more as an achievement to collect than a moment of actual connection in their budding relationship.
8. Where Is His Personality?
No, but seriously, where is it? Truly, I feel like I know nothing about him, because all he does is talk about Chad. I have zero feeling for what he's like as a human being, or what he's like in a relationship, or any of that important stuff which should definitely be showing up this far into the process.
9. I Don't Know How Much More Blood He Can Stand To Lose
The man's nose is a faucet, and it seems like exposure to Bachelorette-themed activities turns it on, so let's get him off the show and to a doctor before he passes out from blood loss.
10. He And JoJo Just Don't Have The Chemistry
You can't look at the way her relationship has progressed with literally any other guy there and tell me that her and Evan's situation is on the same level. You just can't.
11. His Relationship Dealbreakers Are Insane
I just took a quick jaunt over to Evan's bio on the ABC website, and here's his own list of what he can't get over when it comes to a relationship: "Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies." Enough said.
12. For Someone Who's An Erectile Dysfunction Expert, He's Never Given Me A Lady Boner
Every other guy who's left has had at least a moment where I'm like, "OK, I could see this person being attractive in some way," but I've never had even an inkling of that with Evan. And I can't believe I'm agreeing with Chad on something, but if you look into JoJo's eyes, I don't think she has either.
And at the end of the day, that's what it all comes down to: I don't think JoJo is into Evan, and I can't think of a better reason to send him packing. And the sooner the better.
Images: ABC (11); Giphy (2)