Is Britney Spears Sampling “Cry Me A River”?! Brace Yourselves For This Insane Rumor, ‘90s Kids

Every now and again, I will see a rumor on the internet that fills my heart with joy. A rumor that sends me spiraling into the glorious abyss of conjecture. A rumor that is both so fantastic and fantastical, that I can’t help but fall in love with it, no matter how unrealistic it may be. My current favorite internet tittle-tattle? That honor belongs to the rumor that Britney Spears’s to-be-released song "Make Me (Oooh)" will allegedly sample Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River.” Yes, there is a (most likely untrue) rumor on the web that Spears's jam will feature the 2002 diss track her ex-boyfriend wrote about her.

Where and how was this scuttlebutt born? On Monday, Perez Hilton pointed out that there was some chatter on Twitter about whether or not the second single off of Justified would be part of the “...Baby, One More Time” pop star’s highly anticipated next single. Seems too perfect to be true, right? Well, before anyone could cry a river of happy tears, Gossip Cop dispelled the rumor, pointing out that this whole thing was sparked by a joke tweet from Pop Justice founder Peter Robinson. (Robinson has since deleted the tweet.)

When asked about The Tale Of The Alleged Sample, here's what Spears's longtime manager Larry Rudolph told Gossip Cop:

Although this and all of the other rumors I’ve read surrounding the release of Britney’s new single ‘Make Me’ are very entertaining, so far none of them have been true.

Is there a chance that this sample is happening and Rudolph just wants to keep it under wraps? I mean, I guess. But it sounds like it's not happening. It's probably best to let it go.

...Oh, who am I kidding? I am so not ready to release the reins on this rumor; I want to let this rumor gallop through the pastures of my soul like the majestic steed that it is. Is it wise to be obsessed with a rumor that is rooted in a prank tweet? Probably not. But is it fun? Oh, you know it is.

This brings me to the following thought experiment: What would happen if Spears actually sampled this track? Here are some totally realistic predictions:

  • The day the song drops, the internet will go silent for 24 hours.
  • After everyone spends one full day processing the song, the internet will be ready to talk about it.
  • Oh, but the takes won’t be hot.
  • Instead, all of the responses to the sample will be something along the lines of “Is this real life?”
  • The internet will morph into the "David After Dentist" video.
  • Literally.
  • And then, an enormous cold front will envelop the globe.
  • No matter the time of year, it will be winter everywhere.
  • Scientists will notice that the polar ice caps have begun un-melting.
  • Scientists will conclude that this is a result of the ice cold “Cry Me a River” sample.
  • Spears will add the song to her Las Vegas residency setlist.
  • And on one night of the residency, Spears will welcome a special guest to the stage.
  • And that guest will be Timberlake.
  • Spears and Timberlake will sing “Cry Me a River” together at the Piece of Me residency.
  • Too shocked to think straight, no one in the crowd will record this historic moment.
  • There won’t be any videos or photos of this historic moment.
  • The historic moment will be shared viva voce.
  • And then, Spears and Timberlake will record and release a joint album.
  • It’ll be the greatest pop album in the history of pop music.
  • It’ll be nominated for all of the Grammys.
  • It’ll win all of the Grammys.

Oops!... I did it again. I let an e-rumor drive me crazy, and now I'm in too deep.

Image: britneyspearsgifs/tumblr