I'm guessing that Lauren's pregnancy scare last week will constitute the biggest drama this season on The Real World (Ex-Plosion), and that from here on we're mostly due for dirt skirmishes and he said-she saids to round out the hour. And I've gotta say, that makes me happy. The Real World derives whatever power it still has from people and situations being real, but when that realness is the result of intense social manipulation (i.e. dumping a bunch of exes into a scalding pot of awfulness) I'm less inclined to view the thing as a documentary. Me, I just want all these people to be happy.
Anyway, let's live-blog all the ways in which these people are decidedly not happy tonight!
10:58pm: Brian rhapsodizes about his mistreated clothing
"I personally possess those items!" Brian tells Jenny, who is "placing her hands on his personal items" (throwing his clothing into the hallway). Hahaha Brian moves a clothes rack into one of the other guy's rooms as Cory suggests he'd like to "Bruce Lee kick both of them."
10:50pm: Reviewing everyone's long day's journey into night over breakfast
"This is the woman I wanted to marry," Brian tells Cory. But that's thrown out the window now that he's been high-kicked.
Meanwhile, Jay gives it to Jenna. Jay tells Jenna that he loves her; Jenna tells Jay that he probably has commitment issues. "If he gets hurt again, he gets hurt again. That's life." It's a ridiculous conversation, but at least an honest one.
Brian wakes up the next morning describing a dream he had, in which he saved some beautiful woman from a flood. And told him everything he needed to know about his future with Jenny. "All the fish in the sea are so colorful. Jenny is a giant mythological squid. She's sinking my ship."
10:42pm: Fight Fight Fight
Arielle and Cory do their best to restrain Brian and Jenny from each other, but the fight reaches Real World security detail level, with plenty of high-kicking. There's only so much a housemate can do in this situation. The expression "punk-ass bitch" is bandied about by multiple parties, so that's exciting.
10:36pm: Slap-happy if not actually happy
Jamie, Cory, the producers all try to get their hands on Jenna, demanding that she "speak up" in a way she never has before. Which, sure, she should. But it's no one else's business. Arielle is again the only sane person in the house, telling Jenna to go to sleep and then picking up her pizza.
Cory is caught in the middle of Brian and Jenny's passion play, smiling as Jenny asks him to be on her team. And then Jenny slaps Brian. SLO-MO. So We know what the next ten minute stretch of this episode will cover.
10:25pm: "I want you to be real with me"
Jenny's making out with the German guy, briefly caught on camera. "All I can think about is how hot this guy is right now."
The housemates literally RUN back to the house to be the first to film their confessional. Everybody's got a lot to say!
Meanwhile Arielle and Ashley are ordering a pizza, which only makes me love them more. Can we have a show where Arielle and Ashley just hang out, doing normal things? Because it would be a lot better than watching Jenny and Brian fight about their Liz Taylor/Richard Burton romance.
Then Jamie puts on a Big Bad Wolf costume. We all just go with it.
Back to Jenny and Brian, and another philosophical conversation. Cory is like "washed up trash" (hahaha), nothing to worry about. Nothing is resolved!
Then Jamie insinuates herself into a conversation between Jay and Jenna. "Are you happy?" Jay asks Jenna. A minute later she responds "...yes." And Jenna is being dragged around by everyone but herself, to to the point of tears.
10:17pm: "You have just lit the flames of hell"
"I do know that you're a piece of shit," Jenny tells Brian, who just let her know about the woman he kissed the night before. "You have just lit the flames of hell." RUH-ROH.
"If you were seeing my partners? You would not be able to conduct yourself." For whatever lack of brains Brian might have, I truly love the way he expresses himself.
That night, everyone is trying to smush. Jamie pushes Hailey out onto the floor to get her groove on, first with a German tourist named Janis. This doesn't thrill Thomas, who asks Jamie to please not put his ex out there. "Go home! Bitch!" he yells in a totally chivalrous display. Gross.
Meanwhile Jenny pulls the German student away from Hailey, ready to rock and roll!
10pm: Brian the Dog
Most of the housemates are exercising while Brian confabs with Cory, his old nemesis, about Brian talking to/kissing some chick at a bar. It's wonderful that they've found some bromance here after eyeing each other like jungle cats a few weeks ago.
"Guess what I have?" "A vagina." "And what else?" "Hair surrounding it." A cute exchange between Jay and Jenna! Is this our first real look at these guys and their relationship? YES! "We don't do things normal couples do," Jenny says, like "identify as boyfriend/girlfriend."
Hahaha Thomas would find it "totally disrespectful" for Hailey to bring a guy back to the house, when of course he's dating a new person, Jamie, right in front of his Ex's (need to capitalize it) face. "Hailey knows she broke my heart. Hailey knows I have trust issues because of her."
Back to Brian, who's cogitating about having kissed someone at the bar last night. And that cogitation turns into Brian losing his sanity in the room he shares with Jenna.
PARTY TIME. Brian's staying home. Jamie tries to press Jenna to talk to Jay about their relationship. Thomas continues his rant about
Then, at the gym, Cory chats up a bikini model. Then Jay does, telling her he "loves snowboarding" and "loves surfing." Hahahaha sure.
Brian takes Jenny to a restaurant to tell her about the woman he kissed, because no one has ever thrown a fit in a restaurant before. But she doesn't slap him! Smart, Brian. And he's so...matter-of-fact about it, which is honestly kind of remarkable. Then he's locked out of the house.