How To Deal With Wanting Sex At Different Times

Morning sex: Some of us love and some of us hate it. I had a friend back in college who got the guy she was dating to go out and get her coffee first thing in the morning — and only then would she have morning sex. She just wasn’t a morning person, but the dude was all about getting hot and heavy before breakfast. They found a solution for their mismatched desire schedules, but that was way back in college and, well, life just gets busier and more complicated after college.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if we all were matched with romantic and sexual partners who had the exact same sexual needs as us? Wouldn’t life be so much easier if we could somehow sync our arousal cycles and desire schedules so that both people got the exact same amount of horny at the exact same minute? Scientists, could you get on that, please? In the meantime, let’s talk about what to do if you hate morning sex and your partner is all about it — or if you have any kind of mismatched desire.

“Couples need to work on the intimacy outside the bedroom and build the sexual tension in the relationship,” Dr. Dawn Michael, M.A. PhD ACS CSC, tells Bustle.

Here's what couples who are living busy, busy lives and struggling with a mismatched desire schedule can do to sync up:

1. Explore Why Your Schedules Are Mismatched

“Is it due to work or something else? If its work, as a couple they should consider taking turns," Sarah Watson, licensed professional counselor and sex therapist, tells Bustle. "And then finding another time they are both comfortable with.”

2. Compromise

If one of you likes doing it in the morning and the other can only get hot at night, consider doing it in the afternoon! It might sound too simple, but it’s kind of the ultimate compromise. You’re literally meeting in the middle. Another option is to trade — one day (or week or however frequently you have sex)

3. Takes Turns Initiating

“One exercise I give to couples is taking turns initiating sex once a week,” Michael tells Bustle. “Flip a coin and see who goes first and if it is your turn to initiate sex, plan the time, get the room ready, and set the mood. Make it fun and pleasurable.Then the next time the other person takes the lead.”

4. Work On Intimacy Outside The Bedroom

“Things like kissing that does not lead to sex that evening, hugging, caressing touching that has no expectations attached to it," Michael says. "Talking sexy to each other again outside the bedroom builds the sexual tension and anticipation.”

5. Be Open To Spontaneity

Even if you usually like sex at night, you probably feel horny at other times, right? Pay attention to how your body is feeling. Feel up on your partner when you’re cooking dinner. Make out a little bit midday. Create situations where sex could happen and you’ll be surprised at how much more often it does.

6. But Also Accept That Sex In An LTR Often Takes Planning

“People think that they don't have to work at sex, but that’s not true for many couples,” Michael says. “Taking the time to make it fun, special, and exciting can add a deeper connection to the relationship.”

7. Set An Alarm

Need a little extra time to feel like a human in the morning before you can even think about getting frisky? Set an alarm for an hour (or however much time you need) early. Problem solved.

Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy (7)