Deal breakers. We all have them. There's "I don't date republicans," or "I don't date people who don't like dogs." But aside from our personal preferences, there are actually some weird things that can determine whether someone will be into us or not. Things we have little to no control over. Things we would have never thought had anything to do with that hottie we just bumped into at the coffee shop. It's true though. Everything from how our parents treated us, to how our date looks at us when we're talking can all contain info about whether they're unto us or not.
It's a huge, complex puzzle, and you'll get lost in it all if you spend your whole date playing "do they like me" detective. Still, if you're at home wondering what's up and you're at a loss as to whether they're into you or not, these tips might be right up your alley. Of course, I tend to think that good old fashioned honest communication is the best way to find out what info you seek, but if your date is less than forthcoming, or you feel like you're too new for a "where is this going talk," these might give you some insight.
1. Their Relationship With Their Primary Caregiver
Here's a hot pickup line for next time you see someone you're interested in: "So, as a child, did you have a healthy relationship with your primary caregiver *IRL winky face*?" If the answer to that question is no, then they might not be interested in you, no matter what you do. "If our main caregiver could not help calm our little infant nervous system and help us feel secure, intimate relationships will stir anxiety and some folks are so overwhelmed by that anxiety that they avoid intimacy at all costs," says Dee Wagner, MS, LPC, BC-DMT, internet dating expert, and co-author of Naked Online: A DoZen Ways to Grow from Internet Dating. Don't take it personally if you get ditched by a crush with an avoidant personality, according to Wagner, as they're usually "ready to high-tail it as soon as they feel any sort of attachment."
2. Your Online Dating Profile Is Full Of Don'ts
If your dating profiles aren't getting any bites, it's probably not you — just how you present yourself. There are all kinds of factors that help subconsciously determine if someone will be interested in you. Psychologist Dr. Ashley Arn says lots of factors, from whether or not you're smiling to whether or not you have animals in your profile pictures can all play a role in whether someone shows interest in you. Even the way you sit when you first meet the person can play a role in whether or not someone will be into you, according to Dr. Arn.
3. Some Subtle Simon Says
Sometimes it's less about what you do, and it's more about the other person doing what you're doing. That sounds kind of like the Beaches classic line, "That's enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think of me?" but it's actually relevant. "One of the non-verbal cues you can observe to determine if someone is into you or not is whether they mimic your moves or not. For example if you lean in for conversation and he follows your lead — [they're] into you," says author and single mom lifestyle expert Kerri Zane.
4. You Have Similar Scars
You probably wouldn't wish your heartbreaks on anyone, but "sometimes matching wounds are what draw people together," says Ask April author, bestseller, columnist, and relationships expert April Masini. After all, "Nobody understands you as well as someone who’s been through the same bad experiences you’ve been through. It may sound like a weird reason for someone to be into you, but it’s not," Masini says. And it's less a case of "misery loves company" but more a case of deep understanding and mutual support. And you thought your breakup wasn't going to be good for anything.
5. They Want You To Meet Their Dog
People love their pets. I mean love their pets. So if you're talking to someone, and "they talk about their dog and mention that it would be nice for you to meet him/her" then they're probably into you, according to therapist Audrey Hope. This makes sense to me on a deep level. I mean, are you just introducing your cats to anyone, or are you very selective in who you bring around your babies? That's what I thought. So listen up for them to pop the pet question, and you'll know you're in.
6. Interest In Your Mom
This is not a "your mom" joke, because, really? But inquiries about your mom can be a great, albeit weird, sign when you're dating. Hope goes on to say that if your crush asks about your mother, they might be into you. Anyone who just wants to hit it and quit it isn't going to put in the time to learn about your family, unless they're a special kind of terrible. I wonder if this counts for all you lovelies with meddling mothers who set you up on countless dates with people they know?
7. That Thing You Do
That weird nervous fidget or that dumb story that all your friends hate could actually be the weird thing that makes someone totally fall for you. "It could be a gesture they use or a way they laugh or tell a story that grabs someone’s attention, and leaves them wanting to know more, and surprises both of them that it does," says psychotherapist and relationship Coach Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC. "Sometimes it’s something that a person think on the surface would be a turn-off to someone, but turns out to have just the opposite effect — a silly behavior, an interest, or a passion," Coleman says. Bottom line, if you're a weirdo, let your weirdo flag fly. It could be the very thing that seals the deal.
8. Your Smell
Even when you don't think you smell like anything, or you smell like expensive perfume, you're actually giving off little chemical messengers in the form of pheromone cocktails that are designed to make your potential mate swoon. "Smell, it seems, plays an under-appreciated role in romance and other human affairs. We've just started to understand that there is communication below the level of consciousness," says Bettina Pause, a psychologist at Heinrich Heine University of Düsseldorf in an article for Scientific American. So your conversation may be going well, but your chemical conversation might be a dud. Bummer.
9. Your Body Language
You might not know you're doing it. They might not know they're reacting to it. But your bodies are having their own third conversation (the first being verbal, the second being chemical). You might not mean it, but you could be sending off "not interested" vibes through everything from how often you smile to where you place your arms. According to Cosmopolitan, body language such as smiling wide and above the mouth, while showing teeth is a great sign they're into you. So are raised eyebrows. Just don't spend so much time analyzing body language that you don't actually hear what they're saying.
"There are many things that can surprise us regarding what leads to attraction—so prejudging what will or will not can cut us off from someone who could be a great fit," says Coleman. Just be yourself, and do what feels natural, and when in doubt, go with your gut.
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