'Lindsay' Part Two: 'Mean Girls' Star Attempts To Heal, But Makes More Empty Promises
The second installment of the docu-series that you love to hate-watch, hate to love-watch, watch to love-hate (you get the drift) has arrived, and guess what folks? In the new episode of Lindsay, Lindsay Lohan's post-rehab journey to find herself (sponsored by the Mother Of All Things, Oprah), the starlet follows suit with her promise to turn her life around, which means lots of "this time, I promise" talk. She also does some healing.
And healing is, apparently, learning how to do a stripper dance to incorporate in your brand-new fitness regime.
In true Lindsay fashion, this week's episode centers on some seriously tragic circumstances: mom Dina has a DUI, dad Michael shows up and there's some confrontation, and that apartment situation just won't come to fruition. Ugh, real estate woes. We feel ya, Lindsay, except we get to cry about real estate off camera, and our apartments are significantly less extravagant. But amidst all of this tragedy, Lindsay is not. Going. To. Fuck. Up. "Until I fuck up, you can't assume I'm going to!" She cries out loud to her team. Note that prior to this instance on camera, Lindsay appears wearing an outfit that resembles what we on the streets of NYC call "pantsless."
In a true effort to not fuck up, LiLo makes a trip to a life and wellness coach, because she quite simply cannot get back on her feet until someone taps into her. So we meet A.J., her wellness coach who is going to guide her into finding some light or whatever. But in an unsurprising LiLo moment, we discover that she's really just waiting for this new and improved self to hit her on the head. "What's keeping me?" She says. "I'm not ready yet for some reason. Whatever it is will happen and fall into place when I'm fully ready."
Oprah, are you listening? She's waiting for readiness to hit her. What comprises readiness? A luxury apartment (which she still doesn't have yet! Oh, NYC WOES!) and a coach who makes a specially created fitness and wellness regime for you. A.J. reads words on cards to Linds like "purity" and "reliability" and Lindsay has to give her gut reaction in these LOL-worthy moments that seem like they are scripted for Lindsay's life.
Our super spunky wellness coach (who has biceps and shoulders to envy for weeks) asks our forlorn protagonist, "Are you a promise keeper?"
Our fallen heroine answers with a resounding, "YES," which is chuckle-worthy to anyone who watched last week's show, in which Linds unrelentingly insisted that this time, it would be different . She wants to achieve sobriety and a healthy, normal life (whatever normalcy is to Lindsay Lohan) with a specially curated workout and nutrition regime (as all normal folks have, like how I have my specially curated nutrition regime of hummus out of the jar — specially curated by me!), but it's hard, you know? In fact, she likens achieving sobriety to studying for a school test, in that "you have to reinforce things and re-learn... "
So, by the end of the episode, we've learned that things are hard, paparazzi will STILL snap our braless, at-times-pantsless leading lady, but hey, she's on the road to healing. And apparently her new workout regime of reaching and popping her booty has had a positive effect — Linds has signed a lease on an apartment that looks like it came out of a porno for real estate! But on the heels of the routine that she's slowly regaining, it looks like she's poised for failure... because this is televised entertainment. Moreover, this is televised, carefully edited entertainment about Lindsay freaking Lohan.
My only remaining question: Can enough healing turn back time, like to the Parent Trap era?