If you need any further proof that the world is falling apart, it was announced that Angelina Jolie filed divorce from Brad Pitt on Tuesday. I’m not sure why this was the thing to break me in a world of pain, misery, and Donald Trump, but it has. It has broken me and, no doubt, this entire nation. That’s the definite bad news. The good news, though, is that you can use that Brangelina break-up grief to get out of your everyday obligations... and really your every everyday obligations. Because let’s face it: it is official that love no longer exists and I can’t imagine being able to recover from that.
I mean, sure, perhaps Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield will get back together and prove us wrong (doubt it), but, as of right now, we all need some serious TLC. Luckily, I’m pretty sure anyone will understand if you say you’re on the mend from the Brangelina break up, regardless of the situation. But just in case you need to double-check what this devastating blow should get you out of, I have you covered with an extensive list.
Here is every obligation the Pitt-Jolie divorce will get you out of, while you recover from this endless sadness.
1. Your Niece's Dance Recital
Like, whatever, she's only one of cherry trees in the background.
2. Brushing Your Hair
Why even bother? Now that those two are gone, it's like all the beauty in the world has died anyway.
3. Apple-Picking With Your Significant Other
There's no such thing as love, so it doesn't make sense to take that Facebook photoshoot at Delicious Orchards right now.
4. That Dentist Appointment You Put Off For Three Months
You hope you have a cavity, you hope you're dying from the sheer amount of tooth decay in your mouth, that's how little you care about anything else right now.
5. Work (Duh)
How can you honestly expect me to send these faxes in this fragile state I'm in?
6. Wine Wednesday With The Girls
You're going to be too hungover from Trashed Tuesday by yourself.
7. Your College Friend's Housewarming Party
Which is fine, honestly, because you don't have the emotional energy to pick out a decent wheel of brie.
Or at least cooking dinner. Not like this is different than any other night, but you're grateful for the excuse to call up Peking Express.
9. Your Tinder Date With That Guy Who's Definitely Hot But Has One Too Many Shirtless Selfies
I mentioned that love is dead, right?
10. Make-Up Retouches
After lunch, you usually go to the bathroom for a lipstick reapply, but, since you can't even brush your hair right now, you might as well leave it half-off.
11. That Adele Concert You've Had Tickets For For Months
Adele couldn't even understand your sadness right now. Adele.
12. The Best Friend Tattoos You Were Planning On Getting
There was talk of getting your BFF portmanteau tattooed on your index finger, but, since Brangelina is over, portmanteaus are over.
13. Hooking Up With Your Friend With Benefits
This separation is giving you a perma-headache.
14. Texting Back
Maybe if you feel better in a week or two, you can muster a "Sorry, I just saw this." But let's not get ambitious.
15. Going Out With Your Friends
Subsequently, any text invites that invite you to group activities with the promise of, "It should be fun!" will be implicitly ignored.
16. Taking Care Of The Electricity Bill
I mean, all the light has been sucked out of your world whether you throw down for utilities this month or not.
17. Giving Up Your Bad Habits
You were going to try and improve as a human being, but, like, no.
18. Brushing Up On A Third Language Before You Go Out Of The Country
It's fine. If you can even find the will to take that Barcelona trip in April, you'll probably do fine on your 11th grade level Spanish.
19. Cleaning The Dishes
Your roommate can yell at you all she wants, but we're having a national crisis. There are are bigger things to worry about.
20. Paying Off Your Student Loans
Unless you can use your Psychology degree to counsel Brangelina into getting back together it's basically useless anyway.
21. Babysitting Your Neighbor's Kid
Somebody else is going to have to watch Madison because you're... unavailable... forever...
22. Picking Up Groceries
Aside from that hard liquor you're getting for Trashed Tuesday.
23. Wishing Your Acquaintance A Happy Birthday On Facebook
I'm sure they'd understand.
Since you're still not brushing your hair, it makes no sense to wash it.
25. Renewing Your Driver's License
What, it's not like you're going anywhere other than your bed any time soon.
26. Updating Your LinkedIn Profile Picture
That headshot from 2013 is going to have to stay put a little longer, because you're not wearing make-up, brushing your hair, or showering anymore.
27. Faux-Laughing At Anyone's Terrible Joke Ever Again
You can even muster a "lol" right now.
28. Re-Decorating The Living Room
Your "Apartmenting" Pinterest Board is a distant fantasy.
29. Your Cousin's Wedding
No awkward family photos for you, thanks.
30. Your Sister's Wedding
No maid of honor obligations for you, thanks.
31. Your Own Wedding
Guys, love is dead. How many times do I need to say this?
OK, so all of these aren't obligations so much as they are things you could be doing to stave off your grief over the breakup of a Hollywood power couple. But when you're at peak grief, everything feels like an obligation. Your friends, your boss, your family, and the world will understand where you're at right now once they hear the news.
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