Donald Trump Has The Sniffles

There's something wrong with Donald Trump — something very, very wrong. You know what I'm talking about and I know what I'm talking about, so let's stop playing and just say it: Donald Trump has some sniffles. After months of whispering about his health woes — as well as some chatting, some yelling, and some light yodeling about his health woes — we finally have confirmation of Trump's secret shame: that he has allergies, or possibly a light head cold.

And so now, we must ask ourselves as a people: can someone like this — someone who, despite weeks of preparation, didn't think to take some cold meds, hide a tissue in their sleever, or even just really blow their nose super hard one time before going on stage — truly lead our country?

While Trump's sniffles may come as a shock, they're not exactly a surprise — rumors have long swirled in political circles that the millionaire Republican nominee had truly huge seasonal allergies, or possibly is just one of those people who gets a tremendous cold every single September. While some have held that Trump's no-nonsense, down-to-earth sniffles help him connect to the electorate, many other observers have pointed out that his sniffles — which experts believe most likely are to either off-brand caviar or having few than 1,000 gold bars around him at any given moment — actually show how little he has in common with the people he claims to represent. Commenters have also noted that were Trump elected, he would be the sickest person to ever become president (Ronald Reagan was rumored to have a light fever during his inauguration).

In this fraught election season, there's no such thing as too small an issue, which is why electing a president with a history of sniffles is a risk that we just can't take right now.

When contacted for comment, Trump told reporters that he had never had the sniffles; that he had invented a medicine to cure the sniffles without taking any money from his family; that they should look through Hillary Clinton's files and see how many times she has had the sniffles, man, you won't believe what you'll find there, tremendous sniffles; and also that he had never heard of sniffles and didn't know what they were.