Your Dictionary Of Terms Used By Donald Trump

In case you missed it while you were busy building a time machine to take you somewhere, anywhere, but the United States right this very minute, Sept. 26 went down in history as the momentous first presidential debate for 2016. It was the day Hillary Clinton, current Democratic presidential nominee and a former Secretary of State, finally took the stage against Donald Trump, current Republican nominee and possible comic book villain brought to orange-hued life. And that meant that we also had to spend a solid 95 minutes trying to translate the Donald Trump dictionary into the English language.

As described by CNN, Clinton "marshaled her arguments and facts and then sent them into battle with a smile." There were carefully researched plans for reform. References to the middle class. Even jokes, although some claim they fell flat because women can't be funny. (Spoiler: Women can absolutely be funny.) Trump's arguments, meanwhile, were approximately as coherent as your very first college paper, which you dashed off in the 45 seconds it took for your professor to walk to the front of the lecture hall because you'd been too busy doing keg stands on the library roof to write it the night before.

To be fair, given the way Trump responded to the idea that one might actually prepare for a presidential debate... well, perhaps that's to be expected.

If you're not well-versed in Trump-speak, though, Monday night's debate may have felt like you were watching a robot who learned English from watching Joe McCarthy speeches string words together in the hopes that something stuck. To that end, here is your guide to understanding Donald Trump's rhetoric at the debate, along with some of his other favorite phrases for future reference, each accompanied by a quote from the man himself.

1. "Business"

Entity deserving of human rights, especially when owned by a Trump.

"That's called business, by the way."

2. "Job"

Something that The Poor are very concerned with but keeps running away, primarily to Mexico. If only there was a way to lure them back into the United States, like with Pokemon.

"Our jobs are fleeing the country. They're going to Mexico. They’re going to many other countries."

3. "Very Small Loan"

Numerous loans from your father, worth at least $1 million.

"My father gave me a very small loan in 1975 and I built [it] into a company that's worth many many billions of dollars with some of the greatest assets in the world."

4. "Global Warming"

Total hoax created by the Chinese and/or Obama. Just kidding! It's totally real.

"The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive."

5. "I Didn't Say That"

I totally said that.

" I did not — I do not say that."

6. "I'm Not Going To Tell You"

Bad when it comes to other people's emails. Good when it concerns your own tax returns and plans to defeat ISIS.

"I do know what to do and I would know how to bring ISIS to the table, or beyond that, defeat ISIS very quickly. And I'm not going to tell you what it is tonight." (See also: "I will release my tax returns against my lawyer's wishes when she releases her 33,000 emails that have been deleted.")

7. "Secretary Clinton's Two Minutes"

Perfect opportunity to talk at length uninterrupted.

"Sir, this is Secretary Clinton’s two minutes."

8. "Mexico"

Job thief who's, like, totally obsessed with America.

"They are going to Mexico. So many hundreds and hundreds of companies are doing this."

9. "Stamina"

A quality women will never possess because they're too fragile.

" She don't have the stamina."

10. "ISIS"

Enemy of the United States, surpassing even the Machiavellian Clinton in its evil. Began somewhere in the '60s, or maybe the '70s — whenever Clinton became an adult. Douglas MacArthur would have hated it.

"No wonder you’ve been fighting ISIS your entire adult life."

Images: Giphy (9)