What Happened When I Tried A Motley Crue Sex Toy

I love Motley Crue. Not in a tongue-in-cheek "OMG hair metal is hilarious" way, but in a "I've spent thousands on concert tickets and had Crue references in my wedding vows" way. So when I heard that Motley Crue vibrators were a thing, I knew I had to get a piece of the action.

The heyday of The Crue was arguably before my time. Growing up with older brothers, however, I was privy to MTV in the late '80s when Dr. Feelgood dropped. One glimpse of those leather clad heathens straddling their steeds of steel and I was toast. The riffs, the tattoos, and the luxurious teased hair would not only inspire me to start sleeping on a Motley Crue pillowcase and carve Nikki Sixx's name into my arm with a razor blade in a particularly angsty high school moment, but it would also forever cement my love for bad boy musicians who care more about getting laid than growing up.

In short: the mythos of Motley will forever be a part of me, and despite my serious dedication to feminism and academia as an adult, I will never NOT dissolve into hair flips and deep grinds when I hear the opening strains of "Girls, Girls, Girls."

But enough about me, let's get to these buzzworthy vibes! Produced by Lovehoney, the official Motley Crue sex toy collection includes four 7-function waterproof vibrators and four 10-function bullet vibrators that come in a variety of Crue-related designs. Although this is Motley's first foray into sellable stimulators, Motorhead was one of the first bands in the game to offer up heavy metal thunder for between your thighs.

To kickstart my foray into Motley masturbation, I settled upon the black and red "Shout At The Devil" large vibe — because any chance to have a pentagram near my pussy is welcome — and the black and pink small "Girls Girls Girls" pocket size vibe.

I have been getting off to the Crue for almost two decades — but never in such an official fashion.

As I opened the package to prep for the test drive, I felt a wave of nostalgia rush over me. I have been getting off to the Crue for almost two decades — but never in such an official fashion.

Back when I was a teenager, I only had my trusty hand and my stereo, where I'd play masturbation games like challenging myself to come right as Vince Neil sings "you got it, you got it!" in "10 Seconds To Love," or making sure I could finish a blow job before "She Goes Down" would end. It was definitely the solo work I did which was most memorable, however, and it was a welcome moment to get in touch with my past by peeling off my clothes, lighting some blood red candles, popping in some Crue, and shuddering on over to the wild side.

I started with the large vibe, and my first reaction was: this feels kinda like riding a mini motorcycle. There are three speeds and four patterns to choose from, but for me, the top speed was definitely too fast for love. Every body is different, however, so I'm sure there will be some ladies who will appreciate this level of intensity.

What was most fun about the vibe wasn't that it was so unique — there are far more nuanced and high tech toys out there — but that some of the patterns had a BPM that I swear coincided with some of my favorite Crue songs. Sure enough, when I pushed it to one setting and turned up "Looks That Kill," the vibrator pulsed along nicely with the music.

I had a similar reaction to the mini vibe, except I imagine this one will be in regular rotation on my masturbation merry go round. On top of being easy to slip in the pocket of your leather pants, one of its pulsing modes is enough of a slow grind to sync up with "Ten Seconds To Love," which was pretty hot, I gotta admit — and eventually did end up taking me to the top.

Although I did have a good time with these vibes, my takeaway from the whole sexperience was this: if you are a Cruehead and get off on the idea that Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, and Mick Mars are playing Dr. Feelgood for your benefit, then Motley Crue sex toys are for you. I guarantee my orgasms were more intense because of the aura of sleaze and rock hard hard rock history that accompany these vibes. In essence, it's The Crue, and not the product itself, that makes them worth buying, and therefore this set of sex toys is greater than the sum of their (private) parts.

Images: Kristen Sollee; Giphy