10 Sweet Things I’d Buy With My Tax Return, If I Was Lucky Enough to Get One

When I was a salaried employee, tax time was like Christmas. I never made enough dough to have to pay the IRS any money that I hadn’t already given them, and I certainly don’t have any “capital gains.” In fact, I’m not even really sure what capital gains really are.

Now that I’m a freelance writer, tax time means woe and gnashing of the teeth. That self-employment tax is a bitch, especially if you haven’t been doing the smart thing and setting aside part of your income to pay your dues to Uncle Sam. This year, I’ll be enlisting the help of an accountant and pining after these 10 badass buys that I really, really need, even though I won’t be getting a tax return. *whine*

1. A really dope spa day

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This winter has turned my skin into a nuclear wasteland. Seriously, it's bad. There’s all kinds of gunk in my pores that needs to be delicately steamed away, and I also wouldn't mind some time with a hot masseur with really strong hands. I think a day away from my computer and the Internet would probably feel just as indulgent as a caviar face mask.

2. Tickets to at least 10 concerts.

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I haven’t seen a concert all year. Not because there hasn’t been anything good in town (like Neutral Milk Hotel, damn it), but because I’ve either been busy or broke or just plain forgot. I’d love to sit down and fill my social calendar with tickets to shows that I really need to see. Like Beyonce.

3. A fancy new summer wardrobe

My tax returns of years past were typically spent at the mall. April is the perfect time to buy new clothes because the weather is getting fabulous outside, and I need some fabulous new sundresses to go along with it. If I were getting a tax return, I’d beeline to Nordstrom or Neiman Marcus and buy multiple fancy summer dresses with corresponding fancy shoes because I AM WORTH IT.

4. A badass vacation

Dudes, I need a vacation. I haven’t gone on vacation in three years, and even then, I was just gone for a couple of days. I’ve been working my ass off to build my freelance business, and I could really stand to be whisked away for a week at a beach where there are umbrellas in the drinks and no one knows my name or asks me to submit something on a deadline.

5. An Edie Parker clutch

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I had no clue that Lucite was so expensive, but Edie Parker has turned what I thought was just plastic into pricey fashion glory. I hear she’s made customized clutches for celebrities, but I’d settle for that little pink cutie above. I would carry it everywhere, from the gas station to dinner, for the foreseeable future.

6. Laser hair removal

You know what? I am super fucking tired of shaving and waxing and plucking. I know that I don’t have to shave my legs and armpits, but I feel gross if I don’t. If you like to keep au naturale, good for you, but it is so not my thing. I would totally pay some nice lady my entire tax return so that I never had to shave my stupid legs again, even if it means getting the hair burned off with a hot laser.

7. Seventeen dozen oysters

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Nothing makes you feel more richy rich than a big plate of delicious oysters. I prefer Blue Point, but really any of the briny little buggers will do. I just want to go to a restaurant and tell the server to keep those fuckers coming until I can no longer breathe. I should probably save a few bucks so I can tip the unfortunate Uber driver that carts my stuffed ass home.

8. A shitload of new makeup

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Tax time is also the perfect time to throw away all those crusty old powder compacts and dried-up, half-used lipsticks. This, of course, means that you absolutely must go out and buy all new lipsticks and foundations and that new bronzer that you’ve been meaning to try since last summer. I certainly won’t judge you if you spend that entire $1000 at Sephora. At least you didn’t put it on your credit card! Fiscal responsibility!

9. A new computer

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I think trusty old Macbook is finally beginning to revolt against the years of abuse I’ve put it through. The keyboard is now probably composed of 90% cigarette ashes and writer’s tears. I’d love to go and buy one of those shiny new iMacs, but I’ll probably just be trying to rebuild the one I've with cute washi tape and super glue.

10. A bunch of abortions.

Not for myself, silly. If this were a perfect world, I’d be donating my tax return to an abortion fund because people who can’t afford to get a medical procedure they need could use it much more than I could use a new pair of shoes. But I’d also probably buy some shoes, too.

I will probably get zero of these items on my tax return wish list unless some of you feel oddly compelled to send them to me. I won’t stop you. You know where to find me.