Gwyneth Paltrow's Breakup Announcement Is Perhaps the Most Normal Thing On Goop

A lot of questions arose on Tuesday when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin revealed their split in an an announcement on Paltrow's website, Goop. What'll happen to the kids? Was Paltrow having an affair? Will that Vanity Fair article ever see the light of day? And, of course, the most important question of all: Why the hell was the break-up revealed on Goop, anyway?

For awhile now, the site, founded by Paltrow in 2008, has been in the press, but for the life of me, I still can't figure out exactly what it is. It's been called a "lifestyle brand," a term that apparently encompasses everything from cookbooks to leg warmers. According to Goop's site, it's a "digital media and e-commerce company," a weekly publication dedicated to sharing "all of life's positives." In addition to food and fashion, the site apparently covers "wellness tips" and "cultural notes," whatever that means.

And apparently, separation announcements aren't out of question, either. As surprising as it was to see that Paltrow and Martin had chosen to reveal their split in such a nontraditional way, Tuesday's statement is actually not the strangest thing you'll find on Goop. Check out these five items featured on the site that are even weirder:

1. Malachite Andu

This tiny rectangle costs $1,200. Why? Because it's "the ultimate keepsake box," cut from an apparently very nice rock. I may not know much (i.e. anything) about crystals, but spending over $1,000 for a box that's gonna sit on your coffee table and hold your coasters seems like a bit of a waste, but maybe that's just me.

2. Design Your Own Sword

Goop is big into "design your own" projects, as in addition to this sword kit, the site also features design your own marshmallow catapults, snow globes, iPod covers, and more. In general, it's not a bad idea, but encouraging your kids' sword design seems a bit much. For $25, parents can purchase the kit, which includes a wooden sword "ready to be decorated and taken into action," acrylic paints and a paint brush. With this self-decorated weapon in hand, kids three and up can get one step closer to creating their "very own fairy tale!"

3. Black and Grey Garda

These wannabe-Vans cost nearly $500, but don't worry, they're still perfectly fine as "everyday skate shoes!" Just make sure not to get the "black pony hair" dirty, because no way these babies can survive the washing machine.

4. Blue Shirt

I don't know what's better about this shirt. The fact that it costs $285? The description that calls it a "to-goop tunic?" Or the name of the item itself, which is called, wait for it, "blue shirt?" There's just so much to love.

5. Censored Tee

All of the items on Goop presumably have Paltrow's seal of approval, and many of them come with an "I use/eat/wear this all the time" endorsement from the actress. Yet it's hard to picture Paltrow wearing this $150 shirt anytime soon. Besides, doesn't she know she could basically get this exact shirt in any NYC gift shop for $145 less?

Images: Goop