We stand perched on the precipice of Halloween weekend, which means that there are only about 80 more hours in 2016 when you can openly obsess over the eerie, murderous, unsettling, and demonic without thoroughly alienating your loved ones, (or, at the very least, making Thanksgiving pretty awkward). Luckily for you, there's one surefire way to make the Halloween season last into November, and also possibly the rest of your natural life: by purchasing a haunted object online, and thus knowingly inviting a ghost into your home. Hey, it's probably more exciting than watching the Halloween episode of Malcolm in the Middle or whatever else you had planned for tonight!
The sale of haunted objects online is, of course, controversial — a number of users on sales and auction sites have posted "buyer beware" (literally) notes warning potential purchasers that items sold as haunted may not actually be haunted, and that as a result, you may just be paying $60 for an empty box or a broken Teddy Ruxspin. Some sites have gone so far as to ban the sale of allegedly haunted objects altogether, so before you go poking in any of the spooky online commerce below, know that whatever your specific, personal beliefs regarding ghosts, you just cannot be guaranteed that anything you buy online will contain one...or contain one that you like (insert bone-chilling laughter here, obvi).
But seriously: if you buy a haunted doll online and it turns out not to be haunted, don't come crying to me (and also, if you buy a haunted doll online and it turns out to be haunted, also do not come crying to me). We clear? OK, then, let's jump into the wonderful world of haunted items that are just a few clicks away.
Also, I was just joking before: the Halloween episode of Malcolm in the Middle is amazing.
If you were a ghost, would you opt to spend your afterlife cooped up in some dingy old manse, spooking only the occasional unwary urban explorer or pair of high schoolers looking for an isolated space to explore the wonders of second base? Or would you haunt a small, mobile object, that could take you into countless homes, where you could constantly travel to new places, meet new people, and then appear before them doing that blurry-face thing that freaks everyone out? Yes, the answer is obvious. Which must be why so many sites offer sales of haunted jewelry, with options that range from "this piece of jewelry is blessed" to "we have to keep this scary brooch in the barn" to "this haunted ring was found with a severed head (severed head not included in shipment)."
Why settle for decorating your home with a regular old dumb painting made of stupid regular ghost-free paint, when you can spruce up your place with a painting that will lead to apparitions, eerie noises, and other paranormal activities? It's details like that that make a creepy house a creepy home! Haunted paintings, which are available on most of your major online auction/ sales sites, may be just the touch of sophistication your apartment needs to make the jump from "post-dorm living situation" to "cool adult apartment where there is always faint, wordless shrieking."
Is any mirror a haunted mirror if you just put it up next to a TV playing Poltergeist? God, you're such an amateur! I am really getting sick of it, you know. Anyway, the answer is no — a real haunted mirror is one where previous owners have spotted eerie faces, which will appear at random and surprise you while you're trying to flat-iron your bangs and make you burn your forehead.
Haunted Ouija Boards
What do you think I am, some kind of moron who would not provide you with the resources to purchase a tool for communicating with the dead that is already inhabited by the dead?
As a consumer of haunted goods and services, you'd think you would have the most options when it comes to dolls. Yes, haunted dolls should be an example of spooky capitalism at its finest, right? WRONG. Seems that ghosts mostly like to take up residence inside traditional porcelain dolls that you would totally believe were haunted even if no one told you anything about it. Where are the haunted action figures? Or Barbies? WHERE ARE THE HAUNTED BEANIE BABIES? If had to choose a spooky place for my eternal unrest, it would definitely be in a Pinchers the Lobster (new with tags).
However, you do get variety in haunted dolls in that some are fairly benevolent spirits who will come to you in dreams to tell you where you left your extra set of keys, while others are explicitly interested in ruining your life. Why would you pay good money for a doll that wishes you nothing but harm? I don't know, why did you spend all that money to go base-jumping in college? That guy wasn't even a licensed base-jumping instructor, he was just someone you met at Margarita Madness Monday! And I think there was a part of you that knew that.
Haunted Reflex Hammers
Oh, I supposed you'd prefer non-haunted reflex hammers. That's why you run the least-fun medical practice in town!
OK, fine, they're mostly haunted clown dolls . But you have to admit, they're even spookier than regular porcelain haunted dolls, which, as we have already gone over, are pretty spooky. Plus, this haunted clown box comes with a free dead spider! Thrifty!
Puppets are already terrifying, and now THERE ARE GHOSTS IN THEM WHAT COULD GO WRONG.
A Guide To Creating Haunted Items
Unsatisfied with the range of haunted items currently available? Then pick up this handy guide, which will supposedly teach you how to lure ghosts into dolls, mirrors, shoes, houses, undergarments, pens, buildings, and "personal hygiene items"(I personally have never heard about a haunted tampon, so if you can successfully pull that one off, you may be able to sell it for enough money to buy upwards of 50 haunted puppets).
The Amityville Horror House
Yep, you can order everything online now — including this house, which inspired several hit books and movies about the demonic activity that supposedly took place there (as well as some controversy about whether the hauntings reported by the former residents were actually true). Is this house really a horrific vortex filled with angry ghosts and Satanic pigs? Or is it just a spacious home with a great selling price (presumably because teens come by most nights to scare each other and then attempt to explore the wonders of second base)? If you have a spare $850,000 lying around, you can move in, find out, and let me know.