Within the first five minutes of Stephen Colbert's Live Election Night special, I'm willing to bet that you were laughing. I know I was. After showing us a five minute cartoon that gave a very unusual explanation for how and why Donald Trump decided to run for president, the late night host then transitioned right into an opening monologue that gave us all a lot to digest. Not only did he delight in being on a channel where he could curse, but he also perfectly summed up all the anxiety that we are all feeling, and, most importantly, made us laugh through that anxiety. Listen, guys, I already knew that Colbert would be exactly the salve that my emotional wounds needed on Election Night, but I guess I didn't know how true that was until it happened. So, relive it all with this transcript of Colbert's live election night monologue, because you'll need these inspiring words.
Seriously, you will. This election is incredibly close, and, if you're a Hillary Clinton supporter like myself, it's enough to drive you to drink. Colbert is already making you laugh, but he can't save you from your stress forever. You'll need to read this transcript again and again. I mean, I already am.
You don't need to stand for me. You don't need to chant my name. America doesn't have dictators... yet. Welcome to my live election night special on Showtime. I'm your host Stephen f*cking Colbert... Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, the end of the election. Can you believe it? What a year tonight has been. Right now, the election is too close to call and too terrifying to contemplate. The yuge story is that Trump has outperformed expectations in early results. This one is a nail biter and a passport grabber. It feels like we're trying to avoid the Apocalypse and half of the country is voting for the asteroid. Can you feel it? People, are you on edge tonight? I think everyone's on edge... specifically the edge of the country waiting for Trump to win so they can walk into Canada.
But one of the moments I like most about election day — it happens every four years — and it's really kind of a sweet moment. They show on the news the footage of the candidates going to vote. For instance, here's Hillary Clinton voting for herself for president. Obviously not for the first time, but all of the others were write-ins. And Donald Trump also went to the polls today, and he made history by stepping inside a public school for the first time in his life. And, once inside, Trump cast his vote while spying on Melania's ballot. That is the first time Trump has been caught cheating off one of his wives instead of on one of his wives.
It was a really significant day for women. Are there any women here? I'm a huge fan. I love women. This is a significant day for women and not just because it's Tara Reid's 41st birthday. I'm with her. For the very first time — and this is really, really moving when you go and you see the ballot — women have the opportunity for the first time to cast their vote for a female president. And many women marked the occasion by covering Susan B. Anthony's gravestone with their I Voted stickers. I think that's an incredibly moving tribute, and I'm sure that, if she were alive today, Susan B. Anthony would say, "Help! I've been buried alive! I can hear your footprints up there, you monsters, get me out of here!" The cemetery where she's buried actually extended its hours to accommodate visitors. Oh, sure, you'll stay open for this, but when I try to cover Elizabeth Cady Stanton's grave with My Little Pony stickers I'm mentally disturbed.
One story that came out today even leading up to this election appears to be a pretty large turnout of Hispanic voters, because early voting data indicates that Hillary Clinton will benefit from a long-awaited surge in Hispanic turnout. Yes, Donald Trump promised to build a wall, and Hispanics want him to pay for it. Now, everybody should have seen this coming. Trump should never have allowed them to hold the election on Taco Tuesday. It's just not good. Latino turnout so far appears to be up in Florida, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Texas. They seem to be connecting with Hillary's courageous message: "I don't think you're rapists."
Tonight, I will bring you all the results... is what it says in the thing here. I'm not sure if I will. Personally, I don't believe in red states, blue states. So, on our map, when Trump wins a state, it will turn bright orange. And when Hillary Clinton wins a state, it will be deleted. And, once again, just to remind everyone who's tuning in, we're on Showtime tonight, where naughty talk is allowed.
The only person who enjoyed the fact that this is Showtime, where naughty talk is allowed and Colbert is taking full advantage of that, more than Stephen Colbert is probably... well, me. But you can enjoy this opening monologue, because it may end up being the only bright spot of a bleak night.
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