As a teacher, you
can always depend on a few yearly events. One: Summer will come (thank GOD).
Two: Summer will go, ushering in a brand new crop of students to inspire.
Three: The faces will change but you’ll find certain types of students in every
classroom, no matter how many years you teach.
And whether it’s the prototypical A+ student, or that one kid whose name always escapes you (Is it Chris? Dylan? Robbie? WHY CAN’T YOU REMEMBER?!), every child is a little miracle who makes each day matter—and sometimes writes obscene things about you on the white board while your back is turned. Ah, the imagination of youth.
Inspiring young minds is inherently funny, and TV Land's Teachers (new season premieres Tuesday, January 17 at 10/9c) plays out the absurd teacher-student dynamic to a hilariously real extent. The show follows a group of elementary school teachers as they lead America’s youth—despite the fact that they’ve never really figured out the whole “functional adult” thing themselves. So in honor of the new season, we’ve catalogued those various archetypal students that every teacher knows well, and that every former student has sat next to at some point.
Favorite pastimes: Having perfect hair that glows; Wearing clothes that cost more than your monthly rent; Making you feel extremely old and out of touch; Charming you out of having to do their homework; Being the stand-in for every popular kid you've ever known.
GPA: 3.5... Mostly due to the fact that you grade them on a subconscious curve to get them to like you.
Extracurricular Activities: Perhaps planning a dance or two, but mostly just working on her digital brand.
What you say to their parents at a parent-teacher conference: "Madison is a wonderful young lady. She's social, charismatic, and has a great influence on her peers. Also, what product do you use on her hair and where can I buy it?"
Favorite pastimes: Knowing way too much about adult things way too soon; Usually has an older sibling that bestows NC-17 knowledge on them; Passing said knowledge on to their peers and ruining their innocence.
GPA: A solid 3.2. At least their sibling helps them with their homework, sometimes.
Extracurricular Activities: Assorted sports; Being the de facto sex ed teacher to their peers.
What you say to their parents at a parent-teacher conference: "Caleb's a good kid, and he's very bright, but I suggest locking your personal drawers in the future — I don't think you'll like what he's been bringing for show-and-tell."
Favorite pastimes: Crawling into spaces such as vents, janitors closets, bleacher spaces and ceilings as a cry for attention; Occasionally getting stuck in said spaces and making you look incapable of doing your job.
GPA: 3.0. When they manage to make it to class, they bring it. Problem is that their homework is as hard to find as they are.
Extracurricular Activities: Gymnastics... perfect for training them to fit in small spaces.
What you say to their parents at a parent-teacher conference: "I think Willow's working through some stuff right now, and I think a bit of work with the guidance counselor can help that. Problem is, we just have to get her out of the P.E. supply bin."
Favorite pastimes: Raising her hand to answer 95% of the questions asked in class; Bringing you apples; Campaigning for higher grades; Exhibiting a lethally annoying combination of killer instinct and eagerness to please; Symbolizing everything you couldn't stand about your younger, try-hard self; Making you feel good about your choice to become a teacher because at least someone's listening.
GPA: 3.9. You're holding onto that last tenth of a point with the jaws of life, just to build character.
Extracurricular Activities: Literally every single one. Gives her an edge on those college apps.
What you say to their parents at a parent-teacher conference: "Dylan is just a wonderful young lady. She's bright, and driven... I see a lot of myself in her. However, I feel like she could give some of her peers a chance to raise their hands in class."
Characteristics: Being a generally good kid and having plenty of friends, but for some reason you just can't remember their name; Casting your mental acuity into doubt.
GPA: In the 3.0 - 3.5 range.
Extracurricular Activities: Soccer, you think????
What you say to their parents at a parent-teacher conference: "Your son is a great student... And his name is just so unusual. Can you tell me the story behind it?" Spoiler: the kid's name ends up being Kyle.
Favorite pastimes: Wearing costumes every day to school; Adopting a different persona to suit each new daily costume; Demanding to be called only by the name of their alter-ego of the day.
GPA: 3.7. With a big imagination comes a big brain.
Extracurricular Activities: Theater; Choir; Band; LARP Club.
What you say to their parents at a parent-teacher conference: "Aiden is an exceptionally creative student, but sometimes, I think his insistence on being addressed as "Mufasa" is a bit confusing to his peers."
This post is sponsored by Teachers. New season premieres Tuesday, January 17 at 10/9c only on TV Land.
Image: TV Land; Drew Shannon/ Bustle