'ANTM' Is Coming & The Trailer Is So Fierce

Do you like aspiring fashion models? What about watching women compete under insane amounts of pressure and sequins? Do you like hot cry-faces? Then, like me, you're probably a shameless fan of what I'm going to assume is the longest-running fashion reality show on the planet, America's Next Top Model. The next season is dropping on Dec. 12 and the team behind the show is making sure fans are getting overexcited way ahead of schedule by dropping a new teaser. You guys, the teaser was television's Sistine Chapel and, as such, I was inspired to write a list of all the things I noticed in the new America's Next Top Model trailer.

I hope whichever genius is behind this trailer is taking home a hefty holiday bonus, because s/he deserves it. While it runs for four minutes — an eternity in teaser time — it's a rapid-fire cut of sobbing, sequins, catty one-liners, catwalk strutting, decadent skylines, and the best-ever TV presenter entrance via helicopter. If, unlike me, you're able to resist such small-screen splendor to pursue more intellectual activities like reading War And Peace or completing the New York Times crossword, I salute you. But I know what I'll be doing all December: marathoning this show.

Here are all my observations from the trailer.

1. Admit It: There Has Been A Woman-Shaped Void In Your TV Programming

Tyra Banks, how I have missed thee.

2. But... Wait A Second

Executive producer? Executive producer? Why are they stressing this? It's almost like...

3. Tyra Is No Longer Presenting & My Entire Reality Is Crumbling

Instead we get British popstar Rita Ora. Don't get me wrong, I'm as big a fan of Ora as the next humanoid with ears. But can she bring it? She doesn't have the background in modeling that Banks does, but hey, she's a looker, who has done ambassador work for brands like Calvin Klein and DKNY. Here's hoping Ora can bring the same mix of steeliness and warmth that Banks had.

4. Supermodel Ashley Graham Looks So Chill Getting Out Of A Helicopter. But She's A Supermodel, So Obviously

"I believe I am living proof that there is no one standard of beauty anymore," she says. Preach.

5. I Had To Google This Person Because I Know Nothing, Jon Snow

If you know even a little bit about fashion and don't just watch reality TV about fashion like yours truly, you'll probably recognize this person as Paper magazine's Chief Creative Officer.

5. Law Roach Has A Cool Name

But he also refers to himself as an "image architect" on Instagram, which feels like a very ANTM thing to say about yourself.

6. I Really Truly Want To Believe ANTM Is Bringing Fresh Faces To The Fashion Scene, Because I Am Tyra's Faithful Disciple

And this lady is a beauty, obviously, but ... is it me, or does she look kind of like Cara Delevingne?

7. Respect For The Two-Toned Pastel Hair

As much as colored hair denotes punk-rock cool, the summer I had pink hair taught me a valuable life lesson: It requires way more upkeep than those subtle Park Avenue blonde highlights. Trust, this woman is spending 40 percent of her life re-dyeing.

8. I Love You, Rita, But No

No to the scruffy updo, no to the chill polo neck. You're replacing the Queen of Glamour. Have a little respect.

9. So Much Eye Makeup Inspiration

Feel like there's some low-key guerrilla advertising here by Sephora, because this trailer is making me want to blow my whole month's wages on pastel-colored eyeshadows.

10. Shouty Model Gets Shouty

No judgment: I personally adore loud women. But like horror movies, ANTM has clear rules about winners. The winner is never the shouty girl. The shouty girl tends to get eliminated two episodes in. Calling it now.

11. Their Pad Looks Fun

In a parallel universe where I have an interest in participating in modeling, I'd be super down for ANTM-ing purely for the sweet real estate opportunities.

12. I Guess These Are All Of The Models Starting On The Show

And they look so sad. Do they know something we don't? Also, despite the plus-sized supermodel being one of the judges and the big deal the show's making about celebrating unique visions of beauty, these women are all nearly the same size.

13. First Hot Cry-face Of The Trailer

Don't cry, those earrings are fire.

14. I Want To Believe In Mean Ora, But I'm Not Sure I Can

Did the hairstylist give Ora a hot-but-severe 'do so we'd take her more seriously when she says, "One of you will be going home tonight"? Ora has such a cuddly vibe. I can't and don't totally buy into her steely Banks impression.

15. Absurd Photo Shoot Looks Ridiculously Challenging

The beautiful sadism that is this show: Hey, eager young model, go put on some impossible to walk in stilts. Now work it. Work it. No, make your eyes warmer. Exude more charisma. Hip out. Soften your face. This is why we watch ANTM.

16. "Those Shoes Drive Me Crazy"

Same. Ouch.

17. YES

This show needs a dose of down-to-earth humor. Thank god Amber Rose is there to rescue those poor models. That's definitely what she'll be doing, right?

18. Onesies Are The Little Black Dresses Of Our Generation

Your kid sister. That guy you bunked with in college. Your weirdo aunt. We are all united by one thing: Onesies look amazing and feel even better, and even models appearing on television agree with this.

19. So. Much. Cry-face.

"You guys are so beautiful."

20. Fancy An Extra Helping Of Cry-face?

"You really don't need to be friends with these girls." It's so close to the best reality TV cliché: "I'm not here to make friends."

21. And For Dessert, A Small Dish Of Cry-face?

Because some guy with the same last name as an insect told you you don't look like a model. Come on, lady. Save those tears for The Notebook.

In short, ANTM this time round looks every bit as intense as it was under Banks' reign — if not, more so. Stock up those tissues. It looks like things are going to be emotional.

Images: VH1/YouTube (22)