Excerpt: The Goop Parody Everyone Is Talking About

Making fun of Gwyneth Paltrow is basically a national pastime. Many of her most zealous teasers — myself included — have nothing against Gwyneth Paltrow as a human being. Truth be told, she seems like a perfectly nice person who takes good care of her kids and her body and her teeth. But there is one thing upon which we can all agree: Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand, GOOP, is utterly and delightfully oblivious. In Gaby Moss's new book, GLOP: Nontoxic, Expensive Ideas That Will Make You Look Ridiculous and Feel Pretentious, Paltrow's brand gets a much-needed satirization, and trust me when I say it's hilarious from start-to-finish. It's the perfect stocking stuffer for your one sister-in-law who reads celeb gossip obsessively and plans to deliver her firstborn baby to the sounds of whale calls and the scent of peppermint essential oil.

The book is divided into five sections: Achieve, Exist, Create, Gain, and Look At. In "Achieve," learn about the best organic beauty treatment: being born to beautiful parents. In "Exist," get the details on how to explain to your child's teacher that your son is not disruptive, but actually is the reincarnation of a 12-century Tibetan Lama. In "Create," read all about... well, you get the idea.

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The book — written by Bustle's associate lifestyle editor, Gaby Moss — was born out of an article posted to this very site. Back in Jan. 2015, Moss took a leap of faith and tried one of Gwyneth Paltrow's more daring health treatments: vagina steaming. "Consider me a skeptic," wrote Moss. "On one hand, who am I to say that I know better than centuries of traditional Korean medicine? I mean, I can't even figure out how to integrate my Google calendars. On the other, the new v-steam trend set off all my alarm bells for 'stuff ladies with too much time and money on their hands do to their vaginas.'"

One slightly scalded vagina later, a movement was born, and now there's an entire book that pokes fun at the ridiculous things we all do (it's not just Gwyneth, ladies) in the name of a being beautiful, being healthy, being a good parent, or being a good person. Bustle is proud to reveal an excerpt from GLOP , available now wherever books are sold. Read it below:


My visionary personal chef, Lusitania van der Beek, is not only one of my closest friends; she’s also someone I pay to cook food for me. Lusitania’s thrilling approach to fresh, whole foods is informed by her unique personal experience: she is a traditionally educated chef who has studied at the Culinary Institute of America and France’s Le Cordon Bleu; additionally, a near-death experience in 1999 left her able to enter a trance state at will and channel an ageless non-human spirit named “Sacko Vanderbilt.” Sacko is not only a source for cutting-edge information on health and nutrition that Big Agriculture doesn’t want you to know—the infinitely wise, cruel, and timeless disembodied entity also has endless innovative ideas about non-traditional garnishes. (Those edible birch nubs on top of the pudding at my last holiday party? All Sacko!)

Lusitania’s inspired and creative thinking has helped me with so many of my health epiphanies, and so I wanted to give her a dedicated platform so that she/Sacko could share one of their newest insights, which is being reported exclusively to GLOP:

The time has arrived. The time to eat the bees. Do you think you are strong enough to resist? Thinking and being are two different things, friend. It has been foretold for centuries, in your religious books and your “tee-vee shows,” if only you had been ready to hear. The bees need to be eaten and so you shall eat them. I am a spirit from beyond space and time. Do you know better than I? I was here before the first dinosaur crawled from the wretched sea and I shall be here long after the light on your hateful planet snuffs out. What shall you do until then, pathetic mortal? You shall eat some bees.

Your earth-bees are dying, because you do not eat them; they know they were placed here to be a skin-enriching source of calcium and zinc for you, and when you do not utilize them for this purpose, they weep at humanity’s folly. Why do you trouble the bees so? If you dry them, put them through your food processor, and then add a dash of them to your morning smoothie, your complexion will glow. Fresh-caught is best, though freeze-dried is permissible. But I do not need to earn the belief of hairless apes who think themselves so great for having left the jungle and moved to concrete savannas. Your time is shorter than you think. And if you do not want it to be even shorter, you will eat some bees now. Right now.

From GLOP by Gabrielle Moss. Copyright © 2016 by Gabrielle Moss. Reprinted by permission of Dey Street Books, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.

Images: Dmitri Popov/Unsplash; ErinKMayer/Instagram