Ooh, gurl. This week's Drag Race was a doozy: Two back-to-back episodes, followed by two back-to-back Untuckeds, making for a total of three (count 'em, three) hours of Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent. It's almost too much for a girl to gag on — from the Glamazon make-up commercial to the stand-up to making vegetables look sexy and back again. And yet, when the glitter cleared, this avalanche of fabulousness can, by my estimation, be distilled down to six (count 'em, six) OMG-worthy moments. They are as follows:
1. Leah Remini
Because, really, though. Ms. Remini was channeling some serious Janice Dickinson in her dying Top Model judge days, wrapped up in a blinding Designing Women blazer, doused with, um, we'll say "Red Bull." Whether professing loudly to be mesmerized by Joslyn's ass or arguing vehemently that Trinity's "Professional Ho" commercial character should come out and say "I am happy that this lipstick is so resilient because my lips are in contact with multiple sets of genitalia," Leah was by far the most noteworthy judge we've had this season, Khloe Kardashian's pussy quips be damned. When Michelle tried to diss Courtney's "real"-looking drag and Remini responded with a genuinely baffled "AM I ON ANOTHER SHOW???" — my heart, it sang.
2. Michelle's Ensuing Read
Not one to be outdone, Michelle had her own "Oh no she betta don't" moment this week, during the Rupersize Part 1 crowning of Adore and Laganja for their "Mean Teen Girls" make-up ad. When Adore couldn't help but quip "I'm shocked" following the announcement, Michelle fired back with a deadpan, "So am I." Full-on eclipse-level shade. Whether this is further proof that Ru really is the one calling all the shots herself, or just Michelle taking a moment to snark, it was undeniably 100% excellent.
3. Surprise! Everyone's Safe (At First)
When Logo announced this week's "Rupersized" double episode, we all knew there had to be a reason: Was there a double elimination? A re-upped contestant (Milk, please, God)? Did Ru just really want to shoehorn in another name pun? But, no — turns out that it's because, in the Part 1 battle between Darienne and Dela, no one was quite worthy of being sent home, so both got to stay. And thank the Lord for that, because if Dela walked out before Trinity, Joslyn, and Laganja, I would have had some words for Ru. Plus, I don't care how showgirl-y Michelle said it was, I thought her kooky black-and-white hourglass collar was to die for.
And before we're done with this episode's moments, can I just say this about that: LITERALLY NO ONE will ever do a "black and white" outfit like Detox at last year's finale/reunion. Case hermetically sealed.
4. Trinity Finally Did Well
That stand-up was funny! Like, legitimately, "If I saw you on Comedy Central, I might almost believe it" funny! The joke about how her family was so poor that they just read from a cook book, but then "My sister caught an ear infection, so she starved to death" — set-'em-up, knock-'em-down funny! So refreshing to see her finally prove herself, especially after she sent my beloved Milk home. (Sigh.)
5. THAT. SYNCHRONIZED. SPLIT.
I can't. I have no more cans. I have run out of cans. I have taken out the recycling. Say what you will about Joslyn and Laganja (and I'm about to say plenty), but it's moments like this that make me believe in a higher drag power.
6. Oh, Laganja
Really, though — it was time. Girl had to go. From the moment she traipsed in yodeling and death-dropping, to the opening of Rupersize Part 2, when she cut into the conversation to ask what the girls thought "about Adore and I" — I mean, the combination of yet another self-serving redirect and a pronoun misuse — I just — flames, on the side of my face — I'd had it, officially. Then, of course, she proceeded to barely land her "Mean Teen Girl" commercial jokes and tank spectacularly in an off-putting stand-up routine about pot slang played in her traditional "YAAAS MAMA"-ery — to senior citizens. I mean, when your most coherent zinger is "[This weed is] almost as dry as your vagina," directed at an octogenarian, you know you're in trouble.
Of course, the real shitshow unveiled itself in Untucked, as it so often does, once the rest of the contestants finally took her to task for her "okurrrrrrr"-ing ways. In the once-again wise words of Joslyn Fox, "It seems like you demand attention rather than command attention." Shockingly, Laganja did not take this criticism well (or quietly): "I FEEL VERY ATTACKED," she screeched. "GOD, this fucking SUCKS!" before running out in a huff to sob and murmur "Mama" to herself in the hallway, calling over her shoulder, "Can y'all get my fucking nail that fell off, because I am such a disaster!" No argument here.
Still, listening to her snort and sniffle alone — witnessing her downtrodden confessional sigh, "I don't know why I expected anything different. It's just like the human race. We're all fucking evil" — you do start to feel a little bad for the girl. So what if her kiki-isms are insufferable, her affect pure plastic, her stoner-y name offset by a five-Adderall demeanor? Maybe she wasn't all that bad, right? Maybe she could have stayed?
...And then, she spent her last moments in the workroom spouting some canned line about how RuPaul was the first person who ever taught her to love herself, punctuated with the quippily delivered, "Hashtag, choke on my extravaganza!"
Nah, you know what? I'm fine with it. You are the bird that we want you to be, m'dear, so long as you fly far, far away. Literal sashay, continue.
BONUS: Bianca Said It!!!
Of course, knowing Bianca, that could refer to a lot of things — from giving Trinity some heartwarming praise for her performance in their commercial, to doing some basic math to point out Laganja's overly hyped family drama (both of which, for the record, made me snap aloud). However, the particular "it" to which I'm referring is one I've been wondering about since the very first Drag Race trailer was released: The long overdue and expertly righteous Calling-Out of Santino. Though I'm honestly a little bummed that it was said in a comedic context and not as an act of sheer "your judgments are preposterous" rage, it was still excellent, and I hereby present it below in all its GIF-y glory:
Images: Logo TV