You’re just a regular person. You go to work, you pay your taxes, you steal someone’s HBOGo password to watch Game of Thrones (and then feel irate when it doesn't work). But you have a secret. Something that marks you. Something that separates you from nearly everyone you know. No, it's not that thing that happened in the parking lot behind the Costco that one time in high school, it's that you don't have a driver's license.
But actually, not driving is becoming increasingly common (15.3 percent of Americans aged 18-39 get by without a license these days). Still, plenty of driving folks be judging us, for no good reason.
So whether you've tried driving and realized that it wasn’t for you, or just grew up in a big city and never bothered to learn, here are some things only we people sparing the air can understand:
When you tell people you don't drive, this is how they react
Despite the aforementioned rise in non-drivers, many people still find the basic facts of your life to be a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a bus schedule. How do you get to work? Do you not have a license because you're you not allowed to get a license? Smoke puffs out of their ears, and like tiny, over-heated robots, they struggle to make sense of your world.
But yOU know you HAVE VERY GOOD REASONS FOR NOT DRIVING
Maybe you’re lucky enough to live in a public transit
hub. Maybe you got traumatized by a car accident during driver's ed and just never got it back together.
Either way, the open road is better off without you on it.
YOU KNOW HOW TO GET AROUND Just Fine, Thankyouverymuch
You're a biker, or a skateboarder, or that jerk who's always knocking people over on the sidewalk with your Razor scooter. Whatever form of forward motion you've chosen to employ, you're good at using it to get you where you need to go.
YOU'RE USED TO The SHOCKED REACTIONS WHEN YOU USE YOUR PASSPORT AS I.D. AT BARS
No, I did not think that I needed a passport to drink in an
Irish bar; this is just the only form of I.D. that I have. Yes, that joke was
very funny and I have not ever heard it before! Truly, sir, you are an original king of comedy.
YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW MUCH A GALLON OF GAS COSTS
$4? $15? Both of those prices sound both too high and too low at the same time!
PEOPLE ARE Always "CONCERNED" THAT YOU'LL NEVER GET TO TRAVEL BECAUSE YOU DON'T DRIVE
But chances are, you're a better traveller than they are. You’ve Amtrak’d and Peter Pan-ed
it with the best of 'em, and have successfully negotiated the subways
in multiple countries where you didn’t speak the language, because you speak the
international language of mass transit.
IN FACT, PEOPLE SEEM AWFULLY "CONCERNED" THAT YOU CAN'T DRIVE IN GENERAL...
Wait, was "concerned" the word that I was looking for? I think it was "disappointed." People seem awfully disappointed that you can't drive. Everyone — from your mom to some guy on line behind you at the bakery — has an opinion about what's wrong with your weird, non-driving ass.
... WHICH, IN A BIZARRE WAY, HAS BEEN GOOD FOR YOUR SELF-ESTEEM
You’re just a person who can’t drive, OK? And you're not afraid to be different.
YOU'VE CULTIVATED ESSENTIAL ROAD TRIP SKILLS TO COMPENSATE FOR YOUR INABILITY TO TAKE THE WHEEL
Who would leave you behind when you’re so good at making mixes, packing delicious non-perishable snacks, and holding your pee for seven hours straight?
SOMETIMES YOU PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK ABOUT HOW PHYSICALLY FIT WALKING EVERYWHERE HAS MADE YOU
Have another cookie or 40 — you earned them!
YOU KNOW All the many THE PLEASURES OF PUBLIC TRANSIT
Instead of stressing about a traffic jam, you use your
commute to read books, knit scarves, listen to podcasts, rub your underpants-clad genitals all over the railings of a subway — anything! The sky
(and/or the tolerance of your fellow passengers) is the limit!
YOU HAVE YOUR 'ASKING FOR A RIDE' face ON LOCK
By the time your friends realize that the lunch date they agreed to actually means that they're driving you to a doctor's appointment three counties away, it is already far, far too late.
YOU LOVE YOUR CAR-FREE LIFE, BUT YOU'LL ADMIT THAT RELYING ON MASS TRANSIT HAS GIVEN YOU SOME CLOSE CALLS
If you take the bus to the other bus to the commuter rail, and all of them arrive exactly on time, then you should be able to almost definitely make your flight, right?
YOU NEVER HAVE TO BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER
So you only have to stay sober through excruciating social situations if you want to!
OK, ADMIT IT, PArt of the reason YOU DON'T DRIVE is BECAUSE YOU'RE COMPLETELY TERRIFIED OF IT
Don't worry, your secret is safe with us. We'll tell everyone you're making a social statement, and, like, totally could drive if you felt like it.
But at least you're not contributing as much to crap like this
Driving is so 2013.
Images: Paramount Pictures; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15