JEMMYE! NO! Say it isn't so! MTV's reality battle royale The Challenge: Free Agents premiered tonight with one heck of a bloody start and bid farewell to competitors Chet and Jemmye. Latonya was also hospitalized for dehydration, and a possible concussion because Swift decided jumping on people's heads was a good idea. She then turned her "weakness" around and sent vet Jemmye home. And poor poor Chet, the fashionable underdog with 70 year-old man legs (Johnny Banana's words, not mine), was out by default after his chin was pulverized and split open in the elimination round with Frank. There was plenty of blood and sweat. Give it one more episode and I guarantee Frank will bring the tears.
The big twist on this year's season is that every player is a "Free Agent" — meaning no one is tied to a partner or a team. It's every man and woman for themselves with $125,000 at stake. With so many players deep in "the game," when it came to voting players into elimination, no one could seem to wrap their heads around that they all stand alone. Alliances and strategy are fairly useless since each week, a pair of competitors will find themselves in an elimination battle based on random selecion. So the show is basically forcing everyone to play like CT and Cara Maria. It's 'gon get juicy, y'all.
Speaking of juicy, this might be the most hormone-raging cast the show has seen in its 25 seasons (Yep, 25. But don't fret, you're still not as old as Mark Long). The whole "Free Agent" thing is just a euphimism for "single," as almost everyone started calling dibs on hook-ups roughly 15 seconds after the booze started flowing on the first night. Or as Jasmine put it herself, "I want to be the whore of the challenge, dick and balls all day every day.” Yeesh, let's hope that's the last time anyone starts throwing "whore" around because that's a nasty, derogatory term. Oh wait, it's The Challenge, things are only going to get worse from here.
Jasmine's single and ready to do all of the mingling statement wasn't the only completely absurd thing said on tonight's premiere. Here's a collection of the most insane one-liners, so far:
The understatement of the century: “Listen, I have a bad reputation." — Frank
The worst way to refer to a woman: “A physical specimen.” — Jordan, about Laurel
The most honest thing said all night: "If you’re hot and I’m drunk, we could be making out.” — Emilee
The weirdest way to convince someone to take your advice: “I might be a man on the outside, but I'm a woman on the inside." — Johnny Bananas
The most unintentionally feminist moment: “There are no genders in this stairway, just people throwing punches.” — Zach
The most Southern way to describe someone: “She has the balance of a male, bull elephant on this log.” — Cohutta
Best use of hyperbole: "I can feel the pure fear from my soul just bubbling out of my pores.” — Jessica
Please, next week, bring on the drama.
Image: The Challenge/MTV