A Eulogy For "Stephen Colbert"

I'm sure everyone gathered here today felt the same pain when we heard that our dear "Stephen Colbert" was suffering from terminal job promotion. When he came down with the sad, rare disease of having his career grow too fast for his body, we couldn't believe it. We always knew he was different, but to hear "Stephen Colbert" was moving on to the great Late Show in the sky that... that was just unbelievable.

As he veered towards his final days, it was clear that "Stephen" was confused and unsure of what was happening to him. He said himself, "I do not envy whoever they try to put in that chair." We all knew that he was the one headed into the "chair" called eternal peace, but he was too far gone to understand.

"Stephen" brought joy — or confusion or outrage — to every life he touched. No matter who we are or what walk of life we come from, we knew that getting our daily news from a person who was so charmingly uninformed was a once-in-a-lifetime blessing. For most newscasters do not bring the same charisma to their own misguided statements.

It's hard to say aloud, but we will never see "Stephen" run over to a guest anymore with a look of pure ecstasy on his face. We will never know how he really feels about Bill O'Reilly. We will never know, if he were to meet us, if we'd get a tip of the hat or a wag of the finger. (We'll always tip our hats to you, Stephen!) We will never see this again:

Oh god! That's too much to handle!

As "Stephen Colbert" passes on, I can help but think that he'll be back in some other form. Maybe as a tree, maybe as a newborn baby, maybe as a crumb on Lindsey Graham's smushy face. Or maybe even as a man who looks exactly like himself but wears different glasses and hosts another TV show. We don't know!

All we know for sure is today's Wørd: Goodbye.

Image: Erin Patrice O'Brien/Comedy Central, WiffleGif