As our great poet, philosopher, and family film superstar Ice Cube once said, "Ya done run 100 miles, but you still got one to go." Though Cube was probably talking about something else here (the spiritual ordeal that was filming the Are We There Yet? movies, I assume), that line of thinking can also be easily applied to the last week of your senior year of college. Because, like it or not, it's happening.
No matter what your past four years were like — if you spent all your free time studying and mentoring troubled teens, or being a troubled teen yourself; if you went to church every Sunday, or if you went to parties every...every day; if you entertained yourself by protesting the protests; or by sculpting obscene-looking coffee mugs in the art building — none of it matters any more.
Truly, the four years that have proceeded it are simply a warm up for the last week of college, which will be both the longest and shortest seven days of your life. These seven days will test your wit, style resilience, alcohol tolerance, and ability to cry in public like never before: for truly, the last month of college is the final collegiate test of your character.
Yes, you still have many things to accomplish in these 168 remaining hours of your undergrad career. Luckily, we've been there, and know what's coming. You can expect to...
DRINK. AND DRINK. AND DRINK.
If you are reading this, and you are in your last week at college, odds are that you're drunk right now. You drink to remember the good times; you drink to forget your upcoming student loan payment schedule; or that you're not actually sure that you want to go to law school; or that you're moving back in with your folks. You drink like you are stuck at the bottom of a pool made of gin, sorrow, and Jell-o shooters.
And all that drinking inevitably leads you to...
WEEP. AND WEEP. AND WEEP.
What was that? No, I just happened to get something stuck in my eye at the exact moment when we passed by the exact spot where I had my first real kiss freshman year. Yes, I agree, it was a very odd coincidence.
JOIN AN EMOTIONAL FIGHT CLUB
How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight with your best friend? The stress of graduating will manifest itself in all sorts of ways, and one of them will be picking fights with the people you love.
MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU HATED
Luckily for you, after that fight with your best friend, you can run off to go hang out with that girl who was your enemy for all four years of college, but who is now suddenly your really good friend for no discernible reason. Don't worry, you'll totally hate each other again by the end of July, after that sublet you picked out together doesn't quite pan out.
CATCH BREAK-UP FEVER
Even more luckily for you, when that sublet goes sour, you'll have your pick of new roommates, because half of your paired-off friends just got dumped!
stop going TO CLASS OR STUDYing...
...UNLESS YOU'RE FINISHING A THESIS PROJECT.
In which case, godspeed, and also, clear the ramen and Adderall crumbs out of your hair, okay? We're starting to get worried about you.
DISH OUT LIFE ADVICE TO UNDERCLASSMEN
You'll fondly remember the rush of power you got from this when you're searching for your first apartment on Craigslist and are unemployed.
WORRY ABOUT INTERNSHIPS
Did you hear from those internships you applied to yet? Did you hear from those internships you applied to yet? DID YOU HEAR —[sizzling noises, sparks coming out of head, face melts like a spoiled birthday cake, etc].
TIE UP SOME SHOCKING LOOSE ENDS
Which joker racked up a $200 bill at the school store by buying boxes of mac & cheese and those dumb pens with five different colors? What an asshole.
ENGAGE IN UNEXPECTED HOOK-UPS
Much like those friendships between baby bears and elderly goats that the Internet is built upon, the last month of college is not bound by the laws of nature — which leads to all sorts of unexpected hook-ups. Including that dude from the swim team your roommate was always saying had terrible eyebrows.
find that river in egypt that is DENIAL
What graduation? What job market? What crushing sense of confusion about every decision I made over the last four years?
A final-week-of-college pastime so nice (and pervasive), we'll mention it twice.
EXPERIENCE sheer TERROR
Graduation! The job market! The crushing sense of confusion about every decision I made for the last four years! Oh my god, someone get me a(nother) drink!
SAY YOUR GOODBYES
Listen, no matter what you say, you're not going to move home just long enough to save up the money to start a restaurant with that girl you only just met at a party three days before graduation. Despite your best intentions, you may never actually see a lot of these people ever again. So take the time and say goodbye.
Don't worry, your true friends will remain long after graduation passes. And if not, you've always got those baby bears and elderly goats.