Here's Why She'll Never Be A Regular Network Host

Now all of my dreams for the future of television are dashed. Chelsea Handler has addressed those CBS talks — remember, the ones that gave us a glimmer of hope and joy that the hilarious host and writer might kick up her heels behind the desk of a late night show? Handler appeared on The Ellen Show to tell a fellow lady television host that she would never host a show on a regular network television station, like CBS. Cue dreams getting stabbed in the heart.

But — wait a second. It's actually okay! My heart can repair itself! In order to keep herself at her wittiest best, Handler asserted it's best that she stays off of network television. She's got a dirty mouth that she doesn't want to clean up, and she'll wax and wane about sex and anything politically incorrect until whenever she feels like stopping. She said to Ellen:

I would never go to CBS. I'm not, my mouth? What would they do with me there?

Besides, Handler should feel no need to clean up her act or to censor the chutzpah that's gotten her to this point. Despite the fact that she's leaving E!, she could still find a place that wants her smarmy voice. With Stephen Colbert departing his current show to be the next Late Show host come 2015... might Comedy Central be ready for a Handler-hosted show? Can I have permission to plant that seed in someone's head? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Still, even if that wish is fulfilled, or if Handler is placed somewhere, that doesn't solve the major issue at hand. We'll have Handler somewhere — she's too vocal and prominent in this community to just slip away — but will we ever have a lady behind the desk on a regular network's late night television show?

That's unfortunately up for debate for now, but till then, we can watch Handler confirm the status all of those rumors to Ellen right over here: