Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher landed in LAX on Saturday after spending some time in Louisiana, and the jet-setters weren't afraid to let the world know, visually, that baby Mishton is growing as he or she should. Kunis had a visible baby bump, or at least a flight pillow tucked under her shirt, as she strolled through the airport with her one and a half men by her side. Ah, the circle of life.
I have always wondered why the public obsesses over celebrity baby bumps. From Kim Kardashian to Kate Middleton, much is made over the size of the bump and the accompanying body. Part of it may be that we are witnessing celebrity bodies in a rare moment of pure humanity. Look! A new life is growing inside of you! There's a bit of "where's your body now?" in the reaction, too. Think Mean Girls, as "Hot Body" is scratched off the chalkboard list. Then again, there's excitement at the idea that a new celebrity will be born, fully formed and ready to dodge the paparazzi. They could be the Next Big Thing, and, at the very least, nepotism will guarantee them a spot next to their parents in the limelight. See Will and Jaden Smith, in their collaboration that I like to call After Birth.
But I'm not here to compare baby bumps. Instead, I think it's time that we appreciate the other bumps in our lives, bumps that are often overlooked in the clamor for new pregnancy photos. Without further ado, take a look at these under-appreciated bumps. They need your love, too.
1. The Bumpit.
Remember this guy? Remember when your hair was flatter than week-old roadkill, and you desperately had to do something about it? For when you long for a cranial shape similar to that of the aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Bumpit has your back. It's a shame that this product hasn't made more waves during the last few years, because lord knows we need higher hair. Especially on this day of days.
2. Bump, Set, Spike!
Middle school volleyball wouldn't be the same without this patented technique. It rolls of the tongue, just as the volleyball will roll smoothly off your outstretched arms into the experienced hands of the setter. For those of us who couldn't make the requisite three out of five overhand serves over the net, "bump, set, spike" held our hands when we were relegated to the B team, then cut. One can even perform these techniques alone, albeit with less range and a much less satisfying "spike." Nonetheless, "bump, set, spike" did for my volleyball career what "tappa-tappa-tappa" did for Lisa Simpson's tap dancing career.
3. Bumping on Facebook
Remember those fantastic photos from middle and high school? The ones where your braces and T-zone outshone the sun? Facebook notifications make it possible to relive all your past glory in a repetitive cycle of back-stalking your friends and experiencing the revenge of their back-stalk. Without bumping, perhaps, Throwback Thursdays wouldn't exist. The author credits Facebook with allowing her to get in touch with her fresh-faced freshman self. That side part.
4. Speed Bumps
Sticking it to hotheads for years, speed bumps are a daily reminder that none of us should aim for Fast and Furious status. Speed dips also exist, but they are the black sheep of the family.
5. Lumpy Space Princess
Her royal globbiness has graced Adventure Time for years with a new, lumpier definition of royalty. LSP channels the angst of preteen girls around the world, and manages to look flabulous while doing so. Oh. My. Glob. Love her, even if Brad doesn't.
6. The Great Serpent Mound
While it's not technically listed as a bump, the Great Serpent Mound is a reminder that humans have been obsessed with bumps for centuries. Constructed by three different prehistoric cultures, this giant land bump in Ohio curves its way to a length of 1,370 feet. Take that, Kim!
The next time you see an article about a celebrity's baby bump, and how it compares to the bumps of other celebrities, just remember that there are other bumps in the world. They are out there, waiting, lumping their way through the years. They rock your car, they raise your hair, they set for your spike. Love them, and put up a fist so they can bump it right back.