Deranged Sorority Sister Gives The Worst Advice Ever On Sex, Blow Jobs, and Blacking Out

In an unsettling throwback to last year's sorority email scandal supreme, a sorority girl who calls herself the "dick sucking queen" wrote a deranged missive full of worse-than-bad advice to her sorority sisters, and it was in turn leaked to Total Sorority Move. Because the "dick sucking queen" is a senior, she is full of hard-won advice on how to do college right in the four key areas. Let's touch on DSQ's advice in each domain:

1. Have Sex

Have sex with as many boys as you can. Well, not exactly, check out their penis first... Having sex is awesome... You should have definitely made your man bust his load all in your mouth in 7 minutes. If you can’t achieve that, sorry sweetheart but you have better chances at becoming a lesbo than getting dick.

I'm no prude, and I'm certainly not going to argue with "having sex is awesome," but DSQ's sure got something to prove, eh? I'm not sure who should be more insulted: women who end up giving blow jobs longer than seven minutes, men who happen to take longer than seven minutes to finish, or lesbians who don't want dick in the first place thankyouverymuch.

2. Swallow that load

If you are one of those “classy” ladies who don’t swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat pussy... Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet ‘n’ salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro’s about you dick sucking abilities... I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fuck off.

Again with the lesbian chip on her shoulder! I'm pretty traditionalist when it comes to gender roles myself, but why is DSQ so excitedly intent onto putting people into little sexual boxes? Do we want our "man for the night" telling his friends about us in this way? Why does the prospect of women not swallowing keep DSQ up at night?

3. Blackout or Back the Fuck Out

If you are getting ready to hit the square or frats with your sisters you better have already been pounding some liquor by 7pm. No one ever enjoys a sober sally, she judges the fuck out of you and even though I judge everyone who is within 4 feet of me, no one can judge me. I live my life by a double standard (see number 4). It is a really great feeling to wake up hopefully in your bed, and look to your side with a confused look asking yourself “did I have sex with him?”. It has happened to me countless times, but luckily I always find my used condoms on the floor of my room so I sorta know when I have had sex. I bring home classy dudes. On several occasions, I have brought home someone from the bar and tried to introduce him to my roommates/friends and forgotten his name. Always have the upper hand, you don’t need to know his name to hop on his tic tac.

Newsflash: becoming blackout drunk is serious business and to be avoided. In addition to making bad choices while that thoroughly sauced, you might damage your brain and become more prone to future blackouts. If it accidentally happens once in a blue moon, learn from your mistakes: don't preach them to impressionable others for crying out loud.

4. Live your life by a double standard

You are queen of the fucking world. You can do no wrong. You’re the only one who can fuck random’s every weekend and not be judged. You’re the shit and no one can tell you any different. ... You better start having excuses memorized like the 6-carat princess cut engagement ring your rich as fuck future boyfriend better get you in a few years you have memorized. I live my life by the absolute biggest double standard and it has gotten me so far, you young sloots better start doing the same.

Lovely. Well, seeing as DSQ is only 22 at the oldest, she's still got plenty of time to destroy her relationships with everyone who cares about her, ruin her health/looks/shot at a decent career, and collect cats in a dumpy apartment of despair.

If you are maximally bored, you can read the whole letter here. Otherwise, feel a brief moment of pity for DSQ and then get yourself some real advice for your personal and professional lives.

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