23 Questions For The New Kids on The Block Reality Show, 'Rock This Boat: NKOTB'

The seemingly non-stop '80s obsession that still has its stranglehold on American culture is at it again, as New Kids on the Block are starring in their own reality show. And it has officially been picked up by TV Guide, the network announced on Tuesday. But, you see, it's not just some run-of-the-mill, everyday, boring reality show. Oh no, no, no: we wouldn't want that, now would we? Which is why TV Guide has decided that the NKOTBers deserved an adventure for their TV show debut: namely, one to see (or sea! har har har) how they fare aboard the high seas. That's right: the boys' recent adventures on a New Kids on The Block-fronted cruise vacation have been lovingly documented by the network's cameras for a show that's set to air in the fall. No, we are not kidding you, and this is what it's called: Rock This Ship: NKOTB . Because, you know, the Boston boy band's success was like a rocket ship, and now they're...rocking ships (sorta).

This, naturally, left us with a heaping helping of questions. So many, in fact, that we've decided to just lay them all out for you to see. Right here! If they can't, perhaps one of the networks other reality stars — Alan Thicke and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino both have series on the docket, too — can answer them for us. Because seriously. So what sort of questions does one have when they discover news as rife with potential as this? The following:

  • I'm sorry, what?
  • No, but really: why?
  • How many people had to be enthusiastic about this idea before it got approved for air?
  • Will the rampant 80s nostalgia train ever die?
  • Or did it already die and we just transferred it over to a ship, because nothing bad has ever happened on a cruise ship before?
  • Do we really have to rock this ship?
  • When did TV Guide decide to become the dumping grounds for VH1's early-aughts programming?
  • Why 8 episodes? Why not 10? Or 13? Or 22? Or 0?
  • Was there not enough riveting, oceanic drama to fill a full season?!
  • How is that possible? Did nobody get food poisoning somehow?
  • What does "hanging out with some of their fans" entail, logistically?
  • Who are these fans that go on a cruise to watch NKOTB perform?
  • Have they all been psychologically evaluated?
  • Will Jenny McCarthy be there?
  • Were there any alternative names for the series or was Rock This Boat really the best they could do?
  • What about Deck By Deck?
  • Why wasn't that an option?
  • Do the folks over at TV Guide need someone to title shows like this? (I might be available.)
  • How many jokes are they going to make about partaking in water sports with their fans, followed immediately by a high five, bro?
  • What percentage of this show is just shots of women in their mid-thirties to early forties trying not to fall overboard while they scream and cry like 15 year old girls?
  • Are the NKOTBers really that desperate for money?
  • And if they are, why not, say, open a cheese shop and call it New Curds on The Block?
  • Wouldn't that be better than this?