Woo, nelly. I am already champing at the bit for Vanderpump Rules Season 3. Not only do we have the maybe-return of Stassi Schroeder to look forward to, but according to Radar Online, there will be a Season 3 wedding! Scheana Marie and fiancé Mike Shay will walk the aisle at the Hummingbird Nest in the Santa Susana Mountains this July, and it will be filmed. YAAAS. According to Radar Online's insider, “we’ll get to see all the craziness leading up to the big day.” YAAAAAS. Are you there, Bravo? It's me, Kristie. It would be really awesome if you blessed us with an entire Vanderpump Rules wedding special. I'm thinking a three-part miniseries. Amen.
Though I have limited details about the upcoming ceremony, that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it incessantly. Here's how I, a Vanderpump Rules superfan, imagine the day leading up to Scheana Marie's wedding ceremony will go:
Scheana Marie's Wedding Day: The Fanfic
The morning of Scheana's wedding is especially warm. Scheana is in a robe. She's pacing around her suite at the Hummingbird Nest. She isn’t wearing any makeup. Her hair is in rollers. “Mom?” she calls over to the bathroom. “Could you turn down the A/C? I can’t stop sweating.”
This is true. Scheana cannot stop sweating. And it’s not due to wedding-related stress. It’s actually very, very hot.
“I picked this venue for many reasons, one of which being its location. It's by the beach and tucked in the mountains. I don't care that it's July. It shouldn't be this hot. It should be breezy. Why can't it be breezy? This is insane.”
“Sweetie,” Scheana’s mom begins. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the A/C is broken.”
“I’m literally going to lose it." Scheana's voice starts to quiver. The look in her eyes says she could start shouting at any moment.
"I'm KIDDING, honey," Scheana's mom laughs. She walks over to the thermostat and hits a few buttons. "The A/C is kicking on now. Listen." Scheana and her mom hear the faint hum of the air conditioning unit. The cool air cuts through the dank warmth of the room.
"Why would you joke about that?" Scheana demands. "Of all days!"
"I'm sorry, sweetie. Let's listen to some music and dance it out." She retrieves a portable iPod speaker from her overnight bag. She plugs in her iPhone, scrolls through the songs, and hits play. "Good As Gold" begins. They dance.
"Do you feel better?" Scheana's mom asks.
"Yes. Thanks, mom. I needed to work up a dance sweat before hair and makeup got here." Scheana reaches for the room's ice bucket and retrieves a Fudgesicle that was submerged in melted ice cubes. She unwraps it and eats it in four bites.
Scheana's hair and makeup team has taken over Scheana's suite. It's a makeup brush and bobby pin war zone. The team has been there for hours. It smells like hairspray and stress, but Scheana looks beautiful. The air conditioning is trying to keep up with all of the bodies scurrying around the room. Scheana, who has been sitting on a velour chair while the artists do their work, is starting to sweat again.
"Mom? MOM? Can you hand me that cooler?" Scheana points to a small ice chest tucked underneath an end table. Her mom obliges. Scheana removes the lid of the ice chest and takes out a box of Fudgesicles.
"A chocolate popsicle on your wedding day?" one of the hair stylists asks. "I admire you."
"I admire me too," Scheana shrugs as she unwraps a Fudgesicle. She eats it in four bites.
"What do you mean she pulled an L.C.?!" Scheana yells without turning away from her own reflection in the full-length mirror. Ariana and Kristen are in the suite now. The ceremony is scheduled to commence in less than thirty minutes. The hair and makeup team has left the room, but is on call in case of emergency.
"When Stassi walked up, everyone stared," Ariana says. "It was a real 'L.C. goes to Heidi's wedding' moment."
"We shouldn't have told you," Kristen sighs. "I'm sorry. You're supposed to go onstage in, like, two seconds and you're freaking out."
"Stage? She's walking down the aisle, not performing," Ariana says.
"Actually, I am performing," Scheana clarifies. "I'm singing 'Here Comes the Bride' as I walk down the aisle."
"And James did all of the music," Kristen beams. "We didn't tell you because we wanted to surprise as many people as possible."
"That's the best idea ever," Ariana says. "I'm kind of sad I won't be surprised."
"Can I just say something?" Scheana says as she turns away from the full-length mirror. Ariana and Kristen admire how beautiful she looks in her wedding dress. "I'm so glad you two could put your differences aside for my wedding day." She walks over to the safe in the suite. She turns the dial to the left, to the right, and back to the left. She opens the safe. "Please," she says. "Take one."
They look inside and find four wrapped Fudgesicles. They each grab a Fudgesicle, unwrap it, and raise it like a champagne flute. "To love, friendship, and—" The door suddenly flies open. Stassi is standing in the doorway.
"I heard you had an extra Fudgesicle," she says. Scheana, Kristen, and Ariana exchange glances.
"Go on. Take it," Scheana smiles. "Today is a day of love." Stassi takes the Fudgesicle, and the four ladies toast to love, friendship, and the future. They group hug and cry. Scheana eats her tear-stained Fudgesicle in four bites.
The wedding planner knocks on the door of the suite and lets Scheana know she has 10 minutes until showtime.
"Okay," Scheana whimpers. "Let us have this moment. Also? Could you get hair and makeup in here? I need a touch-up and more Fudgesicles. After that, I'll be ready to rock this wedding. Thaaaaaaank youuuu."