It's not unusual to feel incredibly conflicted and confused after a Sunday viewing of Game of Thrones given the show's propensity towards scandal and, you know, extreme violence and dirty, dirty sex, but this week, however, my feelings were more complicated than just the extreme disgust at Sansa Stark being macked on by a creepy old man. Again. The entire episode I was of two minds, most pronounced when Oberyn Martell came to Tyrion Lannister, talking all sorts of shit about how much of an ableist Cercei was back in the day, and how in order to exact revenge on the Lannisters, he will fight for Tyrion and kill the Mountain, Gregor Clegane.
There he was, in that weirdly sexy man-robe/dress, working the bare chested look with all of his Spaniard-but-from-Dorn braggadocio, and yet... I just couldn't. After all, anyone who watches The Mentalist would know that the face of Oberyn Martell is the very same as Agent Pike, the sweet and retiring FBI agent who Patrick Jane completely did one over on Sunday night's Season 6 finale when he finally grew a pair and told Lisbon that he loves her.
What was I to think? Am I to root for Oberyn Martell's serious badassery and exquisitely groomed facial hair, or feel bad for Agent Pike, the poor sucker who thought he could get between Lisbon and Jane? Pedro Pascal playing both men has led to a hell of a lot of feels over the course of these two seasons, and at this point, I think the healthy thing to do is work through all of the emotions, and make a list. We will get through this everyone, if Pedro Pascal can balance the two, then hopefully, so can we.
So First Oberyn Martell Burst On The Scene In King's Landing And Busted Tyrion's Chops
And he's all, "You all killed my sister and I'm gonna really mess up your shit because screw the Lannisters," buuuut no one exactly hears Tyrion disagreeing, amirite?
At The Same Time In Austin on The Mentalist...
Look at that intensity as Agent Pike asks Lisbon to move to D.C with him, but says that he'll wait because it's a hard decision. God... he might be too nice a guy if he weren't so darn hot.
Plus, We Were All A Little Relieved That Lisbon Has Finally Met A Nice Guy
Just look at that face. You can only suppress a rampant Patrick Jane-related lady-boner for so long before you have to go looking in greener pastures. Fields that are really, really nice and bring you Thai food at work and let you take time to make important decisions. Agent Pike... husband of my dreams?
But Over On Game of Thrones, His Opposite, Oberyn, Is Making Moves On His Seriously Hot Girlfriend And The Blonde Male Prostitute?
Duuuuude. Toto, we're not watching The Mentalist anymore. Excuse me for a moment while I go... um... freshen up.
As We Grow To Love Oberyn More And More However, Pike Starts Looking A Bit Like A Traitor
How could be break up the dream team? How?
All the While, Oberyn Is Getting Busy Spreading His Influence (And Semen) All Around King's Landing
Okay so wait, Agent Pike is all about relationships and "The One" and he has a successful career, meanwhile, this guy is screwing anything that moves? SO MANY EMOTIONS.
Because We All Want Tyrion To Live, Obviously
Plus, Oberyn manages to be incredibly egalitarian towards Tyrion's physical differences in his revenge-seeking, so I'm really rooting for them.
But On The Mentalist, Poor Agent Pike Gets His Heart Handed To Him (Figuratively)
Because we all knew Lisbon was never going to really leave Jane, even if she's choosing him over literally the nicest guy ever.
So How Are We To Feel When We See This Face?
Or This One?
Without Thinking Of Agent Pike?
Life is hard when one actor plays two very different characters at the same time. Oh Pedro, you're tearing my heart in two, along with every other Game of Thrones and Mentalist fan (of which there are many, I'm sure). Don't play us like this.
Images: HBO; CBS