Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison Are Doing A Sex Video. We Just Wonder Why It Took So Long

You might be wondering why the title of this article reads "Sex Video" instead of sex tape. You might be thinking I'm outdated, middle aged, or all the above. But take cover, because things are about to get so much worse. Former child bride Courtney Stodden is finally going to take her tatas out for fame and fortune, but even worse than a legit sex tape with her borderline pedophile husband Doug Hutchison is the fact that they're participating in what appears to be an educational sex program called "The Pleasure and Passion." Yes, it has a "the" in front of it, and someone with a medical degree is actually letting these two participate in an informative sex video. Let the nausea, gagging, and various other symptoms of this knowledge sink in.

But the first thought that came to mind after learning of this passionate, pleasure-filled nastiness was... what took so long? I mean, why else would Hutchison marry a 16-year-old beauty queen if not to make a sex tape that would both revive and completely kill his career simultaneously? Surely I'm not the only one who thinks they didn't tie the knot because they had so much in common. She is still not of legal drinking age, and for the record, he received critical acclaim for his first major role (in The Green Mile, as Percy Whitmore) in 1999. When Stodden was five years old. As in she was barely using the big girl potty when he was getting recognition for his work as a seasoned actor.

The bizarre age-difference thing, however, is not news — Stodden and Hutchison have been married for two years already. The really cringe-y thing is how they're appearing on a program that professes to give relationship advice to other people. As in, these two clowns are really being paid to tell the rest of us how to find love and have good sex. Shoot me.

For the record, if ever I need to go looking for relationship or sex advice from a girl who is young enough to be my little sister and a man who is old enough to be my dad, I will promptly be joining a nunnery. It won't even matter that I'm jewish. What exactly is the demographic for this sex video? I imagine the producers know they're having Stodden and Hutchison on for the ratings, since we'll all tune in to watch this ill-fated couple continue to gross us out, but who do Stodden and Hutchison think they're helping? Is there anyone in the world (other than pedophiles) who will find their advice helpful? I feel like if you're finding advice on how to bridge a 33-year age gap helpful, you probably need a totally different type of professional help to begin with.

However, despite the unanimous disgust of everyone everywhere who has read about this tape, set to be released next week, there still remains a tinge of disappointment. We've all been waiting for a sex tape since they got married two years ago, and as gross as that might make all of us, it's a bit of a let-down that they're settling for this cop-out sex video instead. Stodden and Hutchison, no one cares how you make your relationship work. We don't need to know how you account for the huge age difference in the bedroom. If we're being honest with ourselves, we really just wanted 20 seconds clips of you doing the nasty to show our friends at drunken sleepovers. We kinda thought it was going to be the next Two Girls One Cup.