Disney Star Bella Thorne's New Single "Call It Whatever" Is a Glorious Bubblegum Pop Disaster — LISTEN

Sixteen-year-old Disney Channel star Bella Thorne has just released the music video for “Call It Whatever,” her debut single, because if you’ve ever been on the Disney Channel, you also have to try your hand at having a music career at some point, too. Obviously. The bubbly “Call It Whatever” is hardly a masterpiece. In fact, in many ways, it’s kind of a disaster. Thorne’s barely there vocals are absolutely dripping with auto-tune. At times, she barely even sounds human. And yet… the song is so damn catchy. If the change of season’s got you cravin’ a carefree, bubblegum pop jam to rock out to, “Call It Whatever” might be just the thing.

“Call It Whatever’s” music video takes place in a ‘50s-style diner. Thorne is just minding her own business behind the counter, pouring coffee and whatnot, when a super cute guy walks in the door and catches her eye. She’s nervous to approach him, but her waitress friends convince her that the only surefire way to win him over is to charm him with some stiff, amateur choreography. Obviously! Naturally, this guy is unable to resist, and before you know it, the whole diner is dancing. On the song’s chorus, Thorne sings:

Our love needs no name

We got a thing we can’t explain

Don’t care what people say

Let’s call it whatever, whatever

You, me, got everything

And no, I don’t need a diamond ring

Don’t care what people say

Let’s call it whatever, whatever

And then Thorne tries to say the word “whatever” as many times as she can without getting tongue-tied. It’s a lot of times.

It’s not all fun and games, though. Unfortunately, the music video does feature one substantial “ick” moment about halfway through. On the second verse, Thorne sings, “Don’t you know I’m not another typical girl, skip the fancy dinners, we go straight for dessert,” while spraying whipped cream on top of a milkshake, seductively licking the excess from her finger when she’s through. C’mon, this girl’s only 16-years-old! Did we really need that visual? It’s bad enough that her waitress outfit kind of looks like a naughty nurse costume from Lover’s Lane. But I digress.

Eventually, the diner party spills out into the parking lot where the group of rowdy youths proceeds to really “break it down”! (Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Breaking it down?) In the end, Thorne comes to her senses and discovers that the whole thing was just a daydream. Suddenly, she’s standing in the middle of the diner obnoxiously singing, “Let’s call it whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever…” and everyone is staring at her. How embarrassing! The first thing you’ll think is: “Wait, is that what her voice really sounds like?” The second thing you'll think is: "Wait... is that what her voice REALLY sounds like???" I suspect that the answer is yes.

On a scale of Disney Channel actresses-turned-pop stars, with a one being Ashley Tisdale’s voice and a 10 being Demi Lovato’s, Thorne’s voice probably lands somewhere around a three — we’re talking Selena Gomez territory. So, no, she’s not exactly Kelly Clarkson, but not every singer has to be. I guess I’m more troubled by Thorne’s lack of charisma, but perhaps that will come in time (if she’s indeed taking this whole music career thing seriously).

Check out the “Call It Whatever” music video below. Is the song stuck in your head yet? I think I’m going to make it my new ringtone. And by "think" I mean "I already did." So call me, definitely.

BellaThorneVEVO on YouTube

Images: BellaThorneVEVO/YouTube