If you aspire to move to the UK and fit in with the poshest of the posh, here's my first and only piece of advice for you: As cute as it may be, do. Not. Wear. A. Fascinator. To. A. Polo. Match. Beyond that, I know next to diddly-squat about blending in with British high society. But don't you worry, my girl Caprice Bourret of Ladies of London shared some assimilation tips with E! News. You want to hobnob with the upper crust? Bourret's advice is probably worth considering. I mean, if there's anyone who knows a thing or two about this stuff, it's expat-turned-UK socialite Bourret. She's a successful model, actor, and businesswoman who is a part of the Caroline Stanbury and Annabelle Neilson crew. Translation: She has her shit figured out.
"Could I follow Bourret’s rules?" I asked myself after I read the Dos & Don'ts. "Do I have what it takes to make it as a British socialite? How feasible would it be for me to be not just a lady, but a Lady of London?"
I would not leave this alone. I would attempt to find an answer.
I've ranked each piece of advice on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 = "NOPE. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN," 10 = "I've got this in the bag." There are eight pieces of advice. I'll do some math at the very end and figure out the average. GET EXCITED.
DO dress to impress: "When you have lunch with the girls, you get your Prada suit out. Labels are super important. If you got ‘em, flaunt ‘em!"
FEASIBILITY SCORE: 3. I don't have a Prada suit, but I do have a powder blue Calvin Klein suit that is REALLY flauntworthy.
DON'T show off the girls. "We're not into cleavage as much as the Americans. So, no boobs! It's not appropriate."
FEASIBILITY SCORE: 10. I am at my most comfortable when I’m wearing a crew neck t-shirt.
Dinner Party Tips
DO hire help: When it comes to impressing your friends, "you've got to have a butler, waitresses and a chef.”
FEASIBILITY SCORE: 1. Uh, I most definitely do not have a butler, waitress, or a chef. WAIT. Could I hire staff for the evening? Does that count? If so, let's change the score to a 5.
DON'T over-serve. A seven-course meal "is ridiculous. Appetizers, main and dessert and that's it. Of course, nice wine is important—the English love their alcohol."
FEASIBILITY SCORE: 10. Appetizers, main dish, and dessert? Sounds easy enough.
How To Pick A Car
DO exercise restraint. "In England, the most powerful people are the most discreet," Caprice says. "They drive small cars and appear quite normal. If you have money and power, people will find out."
FEASIBILITY SCORE: 10. I have a small car. I appear quite normal. My car and I are both very normcore.
How To Be A Party Person
DO hit the hotspots. "You go to San Tropez. You go to Monaco for the Grand Prix. You got to Cannes, but only for the film festival. My husband and I, we often end up in Ibiza."
FEASIBILITY SCORE: 1. All of that sounds really nice, but the moment you say “hotspots,” I tense up. "Hotspots"= "incredibly crowded and busy and stressful," yes? I'm out.
DON'T be behind the times: "You don't want to be spotted at the wrong club.”
FEASIBILITY SCORE: 5. Is it better to be spotted at no clubs than at the wrong clubs? Because I am cool with staying home if it means I'll never accidentally wind up at the wrong nightclub.
How to Show Your Love For Kate Middleton
DON'T run to buy the dress Kate Middleton just wore. "We don't really do that. But we love her and the fact that she and William are so in love. They're a great representation of our country."
FEASIBILITY SCORE: 10. This is a non-issue for me. I don't even know where to look for those dresses.
TOTAL FEASIBILITY SCORE: 54/80 = 6.75. Not an embarrassing number, but I've got some work to do. A true socialite would not settle for a 6.75.