Although Seinfeld was supposed to be the "show about nothing," it often revolved around the relationships of its characters. For Jerry, that meant a string of explicit bits about his romantic conquests, some of whom were one-night stands, and some who stuck around for an obnoxiously long amount of time. For George, relationships were usually built on luring attractive women to have sex with him, then realizing that he wasn't fooling them. Elaine and Kramer also had various romantic dabblings, but these were often more comedic than informative.
Nonetheless, the best foursome of the '90s also had a lot to say about sex. Some of these discussions stemmed from Jerry and George's escapades, some came up naturally in a group of young(ish) people living in New York, and many came out of thin air. From worrying about the brainpower you lose from sex, to coining the phrase "master of my own domain," Seinfeld taught '90s kids (and adults) a thing or two about modern sexytimes. Here are the hardest lessons, pun fully intended.
Jerry Seinfeld is NOT The Model for Enthusiastic Consent ("The Mango")
Sexiness Level = 1000
Sex to save the friendship is fine, if that's what you're into, but goading Elaine into doing it? NOT COOL BRO. Whining and prying are not hot.
Getting Caught is the Worst ("The Contest")
Sexiness Level = -100
Although George is talking about masturbation here, we all know getting "caught" doing anything is awful.
...But Getting "The Tap" Isn't Great Either ("The Mango")
Sexiness Leverl = -30
Don't worry George, we've all been there. Luckily, young men have this Key and Peele skit to guide them to the promised land beyond "the tap."
Sexercise Can Make You Sore, Especially if It's Hot and Heavy ("The Rye")
Sexiness Level = -1; Soreness Level = 1000
Although "the tap" may be the worst thing that can happen, being too sore to croon some sweet notes on the sax isn't great either. Stretches, water, and rest, people!
You Don't Have to Talk About It ("The Yada Yada")
Sexiness Level = yada yada yada
Sure, you can tell all your friends the intimate details of your sex life. Or you can "yada yada yada" right over it, then make clever Elaine-style jokes about great bisque and bad sex. Well played, Elaine.
Not Having Sex Can Be Awesome ("The Abstinence")
Sexiness Level = 0
Usually sex-obsessed George gets involved with "no sex Louise," whose mono is magically cured in one episode, and then has tons of time for hobbies! And learning! It's like Seinfeld finally decided to throw non-sex-having people a bone...if you know what I mean.
We're all the Masters of Our Own Domains ("The Contest")
Sexiness Level = 1
Some have called "The Contest" the best episode of Seinfeld, with good reason. It broke cultural barriers for discussion masturbation while never even uttering the word, and it made us laugh at the same time. And now we will always remember not to overdo it.
Some People Really Love Their Pastrami ("The Blood")
Sexiness Level = 105 (if you're into that sort of thing)
George may have overdone it with the food in the bedroom bit, but you've got to love his commitment to pairing a great sandwich with a great orgasm.
Sex and Sleep Aren't the Same Thing! ("The This and The That")
Sexiness Level = 200
Spending the night can be optional! Communication is wonderful! That said, if Jerry and Elaine can't say the word "sex," they might want to reconsider adding the "that."
Kissing Compatibility is Great ("The Foundation")
Sexiness Level = 700
In one of the best guest-star episodes of all time, Janeane Garofalo played Jerry's "perfect" girlfriend, who later turned out to be eerily like him. Nonetheless, their kissing compatibility and "meshing" are amazing, and that should be celebrated.