In rage-inducing news, the Supreme Court decided to give all women the giant middle finger Monday by ruling that Hobby Lobby, Conestoga Wood Specialties, and Christian bookseller Mardel can’t be forced to provide contraception coverage to their employees. The decision essentially means that if a privately-owned company decides that covering birth control contradicts its owners' religious beliefs (or bottom line), they don't have to cover you. The Supreme Court's ruling effectively overrides the Health and Human Services mandate of the Affordable Care Act, more commonly known as the so-called "birth control mandate."
“Today, the Supreme Court ruled against American women and families, giving bosses the right to discriminate against women and deny their employees access to birth control coverage,” Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards said in a statement. This is a deeply disappointing and troubling ruling that will prevent some women, especially those working hourly-wage jobs and struggling to make ends meet, from getting birth control.”
My initial and equally-thoughtful response to the ruling?
SCREW. THIS. NEWS.
We are so very used to our government legislating women's bodies that I thought now would be a good time to review other absurd things that are STILL LESS RIDICULOUS than the fact that your boss can now decide whether or not to cover your access to birth control.
Because the Supreme Court seems mighty confused on the concept, here are just a few of the many ridiculous things your boss actually has a right to decide.
1. Whether Casual Friday will allow for '90s rompers.
2. Whether you will be provided with more than two flavors of K-cups for the Keurig coffee machine.
3. Whether you get two weeks or three weeks vacation time.
4. Whether or not you get that raise you clearly deserve.
5. Whether or not you'll be "strongly encouraged"to participate in the 7 AM charity walk on July 5th.
6. Whether or not you can bring your dog in on national Bring your Dog to Work Day.
7. Whether or not your new baby merits an Edible Arrangement.
8. Whether or not you'll be asked to fall backwards during a trust exercise onto your office crush.
9. Whether or not the vending machine will offer organic options.
10. Whether or not you'll be emailed on the weekends with subject headings like "Just doing some thinking and was wondering if..."
11. Whether or not the office's network will block live-streaming of the World Cup.
Bosses, please take note: We're not saying you don't have the right to make rules or even be total dicks — we're just saying you don't have a right to make rules that apply to our uteruses. Because our uteruses don't work for you.
Image: Planned Parenthood