Yeah, I'm into soccer. My bracket is doing... well, it's doing fine, considering I'm definitely guilty of only following the sport when the World Cup comes around every four years. One thing I am absolutely certain of is that soccer players have, as a whole, the best freaking hair in the entire sports world. Maybe it's because it's a mostly European sport? Maybe it's just because they don't have helmets to cover them up? Whatever the reason, you certainly don't see styles like these in American football or basketball on the regular.
From mohawks and fauxhawks to dreads and afros, there isn't a stray strand in sight as the players sprint across the field in the sweltering Brazilian heat. It's honestly impressive, and I'm a little bit jealous of their coiffing abilities. Those boys must go through more gel than the Broadway revival of Hedwig And The Angry Inch on a daily basis.
So, with the finals just around the corner, and all the face painted fans biting their nails in anticipation, what better time than now to throw together a very scientific, very definitive ranking of all the best hair in the final 16 World Cup teams? And by all means, if you think I missed anyone, let's talk about it on Twitter.
29. Gianluigi Buffon — Italy
Nothing too wild, but dang, that's one nice head of hair.
28. Neymar Jr — Brazil
Wow, I haven't seen frosted tips that good since I dumped my middle school boyfriend.
27. Carlos CARBONERO — Colombia
Such a nice, understated 'hawk.
26. DeAndre Yedlin — USA
Sadly, Yedlin dyed his blonde curls back to their natural brown state recently.
25. Cristiano Ronaldo — Portugual
He gets bonus points for the eyebrows, obviously.
24. Ioannis FETFATZIDIS — Greece
And he for the beard.
23. Serey Die — Côte d'Ivoire
Die rocking the skunk-chic look better than even a skunk could.
22. John Boye — Ghana
I dig all these bleach jobs so hard.
21. Ermin Bicakcic — Bosnia
Straight up defying gravity.
20. Admir MEHMEDI — Switzerland
I dunno why, but this cut just strikes me as nice guy hair. Like I would want to grab a friendly beer with those ringlets.
19. Danijel PRANJIC — Croatia
I bet that mohawk would legitimately be painful to touch.
18. Saphir TAIDER — Algeria
This 'hawk, however, looks soft and lovely.
17. Guillermo Ochoa — Mexico
The most majestic headband on the field.
16. Mario Balotelli — Italy
How does one even get mohawk lines that straight?!
15. Bacary Sagna — France
14. Abel HERNANDEZ — Uruguay
Man buns 4 ever.
13. Graham Zusi — USA
Man bands are also great.
12. Charles ITANDJE — Cameroon
When the second tiniest little mohawk meets the second biggest beard.
11. Raul MEIRELES — Portugual
When the tiniest little mohawk meets the biggest beard.
10. David Luiz — Brazil
Are these the happiest curls on the planet?
9. Willian — Brazil
Or maybe these?
8. Marcelo — Brazil
Oh, nope. These are.
7. Dante — Brazil
Wait, no, these. Brazil wins Happiest Hair At The World Cup.
6. Mathieu Debuchy — France
Ugh. I'm such a sucker for a skeezy hipster cut.
5. Benjamin MOUKANDJO — Cameroon
This is just plain fun.
4. Asamoah Gyan — Ghana
In case the big gold '3' on his jersey wasn't enough, Gyan also included his number in his hairstyle.
3. Andrea Pirlo — Italy
I wish Pirlo's hair was on my head.
2. Jermaine Jones — USA
Ooh, he kinda looks like a sexy spider here.
1. Kyle Beckerman — USA
~dreadlocks flowing in the wind~
Worst Hair: Rodrigo Palacio — Argentina
Seriously, WTF, guy?
Images: Getty Images