Sarah Newlin Isn't Dead on 'True Blood' Because The Writers Apparently Hate Us
Despite the cathartic release we felt upon seeing Jason Stackhouse chase Anna Camp's Sarah Newlin out of town on True Blood , the series apparently felt the need to bring her back. And not only did this nuisance return, she did it in in a big way.
Sarah Newlin opened Sunday's third episode of Season 7 by coming out of child's pose and back into our lives during a seemingly pointless yoga class scene that rolled before True Blood's iconic credits graced our screens. It's not clear what Sarah's goal is, but it's clear that whatever her motivation is, we're supposed to be really, really concerned about it. (Personally, I'm more concerned about how smiley anyone is while doing any kind of exercise. But that's just me.)
Last time Sarah annoyed True Blood viewers, she was hanging onto every last thread of the LAVTF's vampire camp, even up until the point that Jason held a gun to her neck. She still thought she was God's mouthpiece, all the way up until Jason told her Jesus told him she was an average lay (they did the horizontal mambo back in Season 3). Jason felt awful killing one more person, so he let Sarah go, hoping to keep her blood as far away from his conscience as possible, and we all just assumed that the woman who tried to kill all the vamps in the South wasn't going to last long in the wilderness.
Unfortunately for our level of enjoyment as we finish up True Blood's final season, Sarah Newlin is a human cockroach and she's survived the Hep V apocalypse. She's even got a new brown 'do to prove it. This time around, Sarah has dropped her Christian faith thanks to her yoga teacher, who she also happens to be having really ridiculous sex with (who yells "Namasteeee" when they climax? I mean really?). She also happens to be being chased by the same dudes who killed Eric's lover Sylvie years ago, so she's probably about to stir up some shit for Eric once more because, oh yeah, he's decided it's his dying wish to take her down.
Are we all ready for some nonsensical violence and a storm of voracious and totally absurd insults, y'all? Because that's clearly how True Blood is going out this season.