Jason's Eric Sex Dream & 7 Enlightening 'True Blood' Sex Scenes From Season 7

Let's be honest with each other, shall we? I think that by now, as True Blood hits the halfway point of its seventh and final season, we can all agree that the campy vampire soap opera isn't HBO's highest quality show. And no matter what reason you may tell other people you continue to watch — the insane plot twists, the characters you've loved for seven years, whatever — we all know the truth. It's the sex.

For seven years, True Blood has been just about the most unapologetically sex-filled show on the air, and its steamy scenes of fornication appeal to just about every demographic. There's every kind of sex you can think of: human/human, human/vampire, fairy/vampire, fairy/werewolf, human/werepanther, straight sex, gay sex, love sex, hate sex, sex in dreams and sex in reality, sex clothed and sex unclothed, sex on the floor, in beds, in cars, in forests, in graveyards, twosomes, threesomes, and orgies galore. And with gorgeous actors like Anna Paquin, Alexander Skarsgaard, Deborah Ann Woll, and Ryan Kwanten, it's hard to complain.

So let's dispense with all pretense and talk about what really matters to True Blood fans. Here, in chronological order, are all the sex scenes so far from Season 7, each given a letter grade for its sexiness (and perhaps inventiveness, too). Enjoy.

Image: HBO

Jason & Violet: A-

The first copulation of the season happened midway through Episode 1, when Jason felt so emasculated by his vampire girlfriend Violet that he just had to take her right on the hood of his car to prove how much of a man he is. (To be fair, Violet had been giving Jason blue balls for several months. Dude was about to burst.) The couple’s first time doing the deed was as rough and passionate as we imagined it would be. And their brazen, devil-may-care attitude, sprawled across a cop car on the side of the road, made it even steamier.

Image: HBO

Sookie & Alcide: C+

*Yawn* That was my response to this sleepy lovemaking in the Season 7 premiere. Though we’d seen this pair (almost) hook up before, that one ended with a drunken Sookie vomiting all over the werewolf. So this was the first time we actually got to see them do the deed. And it was so short! And boring! Unacceptable, True Blood. Although it does get bumped up a half-letter because it’s Alcide’s last sex scene on the show. Sad face.

Image: HBO

Eric & Jason: A+

Now this is more like it! Yes, Jason’s blood-fueled sex dream was ridiculous. Yes, it was shameless fan pandering at its most blatant. But it was actually refreshing in a way to see the writers drop all pretense and just give us viewers something they knew we’d like to see. It’s the final season, y’all! Gotta pull out all the stops. Everything about this scene was perfect: the ridiculous amount of flickering candles, the romance novel dialogue, the wrestling foreplay, and the total commitment on the parts of Skarsgaard and Kwanten.

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Eric & Sylvie: B+

Eric Northman. Naked. Under the moonlight. In a vineyard. This one’s almost perfect… except for the fact that he’s having sex with a new character named Sylvie that we don’t care about at all. Sure, Eric really loved her, blahblahblah. I just want him to stop it with this flashback nonsense, get back to Bon Temps, and make love to Sookie in a vineyard. Are you listening, writers?

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Pam & Random French Chick: C For Sex, A For Style

This one’s brief, but I had to put it in here just for Pam’s outfit alone. That permed hair! That velour pantsuit! Those burgundy pumps! Pam succeeds at looking stylish, even when going down on an anonymous French sex worker.

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Eric & Sylvie, Pt. II: B-

Minus points for redundancy. Bonus points for clever use of a tractor. Minus points again for being interrupted mid-coitus by yakuza.

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Sara & Guru Dutta: D For Sexiness, A For Hilarity

Sara Newlin is back! And she’s… in bed, riding her absurd yoga instructor? Sure, this wasn’t the steamiest copulation of the season. But in a show where most love scenes are shot like the cover of a mommy porn paperback, it’s a nice change to see one played for laughs. I’ll never hear the word “namaste” the same way again.

Image: HBO

Still to come: A++++ (If The Writers Love Us)

Sadly, Episode 4 was bereft of any sexual shenanigans. Come on — this is the final season, there should be at least two per ep! But despair not: rumor has it there’s a Jason/Jessica hookup in the near future. And, judging by the sex they had in the back of Jason’s pickup truck in Season 4, it should be glorious. Also, we’re still waiting on that inevitable Lafayette/James makeout sesh. Tick tock, writers.

Image: HBO