The 'True Blood' Sex Dream Tree Just Got Way More Complicated

Our favorite Bon Temps residents are greeted with a host of new problems in True Blood’s Season 7 premiere. Arlene, Holly, and a very pregnant Nicole were kidnapped by some very thirsty looking Hep-V infected vampires; Sookie realized (yet again) that the entire town hates her very vampire-loving existence and — oh yeah — Tara was killed even before the opening credits had a chance to roll. (Anyone else starting to seriously question the general safety of this town?)

What we’re trying to say is a lot of crazy shit went down (as per usual) and most of it was pretty darn depressing (as per usual). But there’s one complication in particular that has left us extremely intrigued, involving those oh-so treasured vampire sex dreams.

Thanks to the Hep-V vamps' attack — at what has to be considered the absolute worst mixer of all time — there was a TON of blood exchanged between both humans and vampires throughout the entire course of the first episode. And, as all dedicated Truebies know, one of the main side effects from ingesting vamp blood is having erotic dreams about the supplier, regardless of the person’s sexual orientation or preference. This has been proven time and time again. Remember this great moment?

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So who’s next to hitch a hide on the hallucination sex train? Let’s start with the most random pair of them all: Lettie Mae and Willa. Upon realizing that Lettie Mae was injured after the H-vamps attack, Willa nicely stepped in to offer up some of her magical-healing blood. Sounds innocent enough, but boy could this lead to some crazy nighttime slumbers. Seriously, would anyone have predicted that these two characters would bond in any way? Do we really want to see Lettie Mae bond with anyone in that way? Because whether we want it to or not, the possibility of that happening is pretty high. Let’s just take comfort in knowing that Tara won’t be around to witness her mother in the throws of vampire lust. (The poor girl’s been through enough as it is.) Now, if only the rest of us could be so lucky.

Next up we have Adilyn and Jessica, who had a nice little bonding moment talking about boys (vampires and faeries — they’re just like us!). Unfortunately, this little girl talk session was interrupted by an Hep-V vamp who caught a whiff of Adilyn’s sweet fae smell, prompting Jessica to insist Adilyn drink some of her blood (thus allowing her to sense anytime her faerie friend is in danger). Adilyn eventually complied, but it’s doubtful she knows about the special side effects she just signed up for. Things could get very interesting.

Then there’s my new favorite duo: Lafayette and the new James (Nathan Parsons, aka Luke Grimes’ replacement on True Blood). Granted, this one is slightly cheating since it was actually Lafayette giving James his blood and not the other way around. However, there were definitely some serious sparks flying throughout this little blood (and bong) exchange. We’d say it’s safe to assume a potential new romance could be brewing here — a hunch that’s made even stronger thanks to recent reports regarding the reason behind Grimes’ departure from the show. Bottom line: there’s bound to be a Lala-James hookup heading our way and we say BRING IT.

While all these "V"-charged libidos are bound to add an extra layer of complications to an already complex storyline, it's in the best way possible. And let’s not forget that Eric and Jason will supposedly be having a steamy sex scene in Episode 2 — most likely as a delayed result of Jason consuming Eric’s blood last season. And we’re more than ready to cash in on that dreamy hunkfest. Let the swooning commence.

Images: HBO; Giphy; tv-drama-queen/Tumblr